Bloggy-Blogging

There are a lot of reasons why I have decided to be diligent and start blogging again. Most notably, it's nice to look back in my past and remember how I was feeling and what my goals were. I've experienced some things this month that haven't been very pleasant. I spent about 10 days being really sick, my school work isn't going well, my family in Alabama is going through a pretty rough time, and all around I'm a little bit depressed. (Not clinically, just kind of sad and disappointed with myself) I try to do too much most of the time. I clean my house, make several meals a day, play with/home-school the boys, go to school and church, and try to be a cheerful, good wife. It isn't exactly easy. Not for me, anyway. I see women who appear to have the same responsibilities I do, but for some reason things are going much better for them. Better grades, super fit, big smiles. I honestly don't know what their secret is. I'm convinced that I'm working my bum off, so what gives?

 On the bright side, we're all healthy, the weather is looking up, and there's lots of summer left to go out and enjoy with my family. Whatever happens with school, there are always options to be considered. If I don't get into the nursing program at ISU, I'll just transfer my credits to ITECH and do their program.

The boys are doing pretty well. Phillip at least. Danny has crazy mood swings that we're dealing with, but I'm sure it will pass. Phil has started going to the library and borrowing books for bedtime reading. He's doing a great job. He also loves his "See Inside My Body" book. He likes the word "alveoli" for some reason. As always, he just loves to learn and explore. He always has something new and interesting to talk about. Danny is a smart little guy. I'm somewhat at a loss on what to work on with him. He know letters, numbers, shapes, colors, animals, etc. What more do you teach an almost three year old? So, mostly we just play.

10 Months

My last blog post was 10 months ago. Time has been going by so fast. I wish I could tell you what a strong person I have been and how easy it is to balance home and school, but I can't. I have been having quite a hard time, actually. Some of my classes have not been what I was expecting. I am retaking chemistry to get a better grade. I should have known better than to take the online course with no lecture. I'm working at the college as well. I'm the student activities board director. I enjoy my job. I have gotten to meet many amazing people that I am lucky to have in my life.

Home life has been... hard. Danny is going through such a rough time. It hurts me deeply to see him this way. He was always my perfect, happy boy until a few months after we started school. Now he just cries and lashes out in violence most of the time. It makes me feel like a bad mother. I can't help but feel like this is my fault because I'm not home with him anymore. I try so hard to change his temper. I cuddle him and love him, but he doesn't want it when he is angry. Mike does his best to help me. He stays in Danny's room at night when he won't sleep. He tries very hard to give me breaks, but usually Danny won't let him. He just throws fits until I come get him. I appreciate Mike's help more than he could ever know, but it's still very hard. I'm just hoping this phase passes soon so I can get my precious little angel back.

Phillip has been doing pretty well. He is making friends at daycare and getting over many of his social quirks. He is smarter then ever. He loves geography and math. He says he wants to be a mathematician when he grows up. He loves playing video games, especially if it's a Mario game. He still has his moments, but for the most part he is an amazing little boy who I love to pieces.

Mike and I had our sixth anniversary a week ago. It was lovely. That man spoils me beyond belief, and I love him more than anything in this world. He is my soul mate.

It's a Process

I've been in school for almost a month now. Mike, the kids, and I are adjusting to the change. It has been pretty hard on my diet, but I'll get back on track! :) So far I've written three papers. Two of them have yet to be graded, but I got a 10/10 on my first English paper. I took my first psychology exam and scored 77/80; my first medical terminology quiz, I got 30/30; my first algebra exam is this tuesday. I feel confident that I will do well on it. My music and political science exams are still a few weeks away, so I guess we'll see how they go. Mike is doing really well, too. He has gotten only perfect marks so far, hooray!

The kiddos are starting to get used to their new schedule. They're a little grumpy on Monday mornings after their three-day weekends, but not too bad. Danny is talking sooo much! I know it's only normal, but it's just such a relief after all the problems we had with Phillip. Danny knows his alphabet and maybe 1/3 of the letter sounds. He counts to nine. He like's to ask me "what's that?" Oh, and he knows circle, square, and star. He doesn't actually say "star" though, he sees one and starts singing "twinkle, twinkle." It's adorable. His favorite toys right now are cars and blocks. He especially loves the track his Oma got him for Christmas. Phillip is trying really hard to adjust socially. He has a lot of quirks that we are working with him on. It can be hard on him learning to interact with the other kids sometimes. I've always been so stingy with my children, so they're a little behind socially.

What else?

SCHOOL! It's all I have to talk about right now. It has consumed me and until I get into a better routine, my life is going to remain pure chaos. Luckily for me, Mike has really stepped up his game at home. He has been cooking, cleaning, watching the kids while I nap. It has been great having him home with me all the time. But even with us both here, last week was a little stressful and chaotic. I'm sure it will get easier as we go along and learn to manage our time... something I haven't had to do in a very long time.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but my schedule is quite hefty. Thank goodness for my army benefits, but they still don't make getting my education all that easy. I have 36 months to complete my degree without having to pay for it. That means I need to max out my credits every single semester. Right now I'm taking six classes:  Algebra, Music, Political Science, English, Psychology, and Medical Terminology. Yeah, I'm crazy. Next semester will likely be another six classes, and so on and so forth. I definitely have my work cut out for me. Oh, and not passing a class is not even an option. Hooray!

Aside from school, we're all doing fine. The kids are adjusting to our new lifestyle, and slowly but surely, Mike and I are as well. Danny got a cold a couple of days ago, so he is grumpy, but still okay. That's really it. Hopefully I have something more interesting to talk about soon.

Day One

Hello, my sweet devoted followers. Today was bittersweet for me. I enjoyed my classes and the two professors I met seemed very genuine and fun. My Monday classes are simple and easy. I have Political Science and English. I'd be surprised if I spent more than minimal time studying for them. My Tuesday classes are the ones I'm nervous about. I have Algebra, Music, and Psychology. That's where I assume the bulk of my studying and stress will come form.

Aside from being in class today, which was fun, I have been feeling kind of crappy for the past week or so. My stomach has been twisted up in knots and I just feel dizzy and nauseated all day. I first assumed it was food poisoning from my sprouts. Then I reckoned on nerves. But to be honest I really don't know why I'm feeling so icky. I just hope it goes away soon.

The kids seem to be doing a good job adjusting to their daycare. Danny is taking a little longer, but he'll get there eventually. That's it for today. I will try to write a more lengthy update soon.

What happens when I'm awake late at night?

I blog! Yes, that's me. I'm the woman with nothing better to do at night than sit on my computer and talk about myself. Sometimes I look back at what I've written and think, "Wow, I must have been REALLY tired!" Other times I'm thankful for the sleepy, stupor-induced honesty. I have no idea who actually reads my blog. I think most people who do, find my subject matter awkward and would rather not comment or bring it up. I talk about a lot of personal feelings; a lot of taboo subjects; a lot of nothing. I still don't know if I'm writing for me or for you. Every once in a while, I go back and take a look at something from a year ago to see where I was in my life and how I was feeling. Most of the time I can't even remember writing it. It's like I'm reading someone else's journal. If you ever want a chronological list of all your mistakes and shortcomings, this is the way to go!

Have I ever mentioned my super-sized cat on here? We own a cat who is basically Garfield, just a different color. She is huge, lazy, self-centered, and she loves lasagna. (She actually loves to eat anything.) Her name is Cally, and she wasn't always such a lard butt. In the winter of 07-08, our first cat, "Kitty," ran away. She was the meanest thing you've ever seen in your life, but we loved her and it was heartbreaking. We looked everywhere for her. On a few occasions, we checked the local shelter to see if she turned up, but she never did. That's where we met Cally. I started thinking about getting another cat, but I wasn't really committed to the idea. I would go to the shelter and check the cages for Kitty, but deep down I knew she was gone. I started to enjoy petting the other cats and playing with them. I held Cally a few times. She was bony and ugly, and I didn't really feel a connection with her. One day I went to the shelter and there was a paper on her cage. It was a description of her, with a note that said, "5 days left." I realized that this sweet kitty was about to be euthanized. I talked to the caretaker, who informed me that five different families had adopted her, but changed their minds and brought her back. How sad! I adopted her that very day. She was so shy and scared for the first few days. She didn't even make any sounds when she meowed. Her hair was thin. You could feel her bones when you held her. She is missing a few teeth, so she drooled everywhere. And thanks to the lovely shelter diet she had been living on, she had awful gas. But everyone agreed that she was the most loving cat on the earth. All she has ever wanted is to be held and loved. It doesn't matter who you are, you're her best friend. She has come a very long way from being the bony little kitty I adopted, but she is still a sweetheart and I love her.

She's wearing a size 24 month toddler shirt, yowzers.

Isn't she just huge?

Awe, cuddles.

Mike HATES when I dress her in the kids clothes, ha ha ha.

Here's the lasagna! See, I was telling the truth.

That's her smile.

She loves racing cars!

She's trying to figure out what this squishy, pink thing is that took her lap!

Yes, that's actually how she sleeps.

She's even good with babies who like to chew on her hair!

How do you feel?

Do you ever have points in your life where you just aren't feeling good about yourself, you have no idea why, and it's driving you crazy??? That's where I am. I can't pinpoint exactly what's bugging me, but I know there's something that isn't quite right.

Tomorrow is Mike's last day of work. I'm so happy to finally have him around more. For the past four and a half years, his schedule has made life more stressful than it really should be. I'm grateful for this opportunity, and I couldn't ask for more. At the same time, I'm realizing that all this time away from each other over the past four point five years has brought other challenges along with it. We've adapted to spending so little time together that I'm convinced he will find me boring now. When we were dating, I could make him fun surprises, go on long weekend getaways, and be sexy and carefree. But these days I'm pretty much just a housewife and Mommy who cleans the house, cooks dinner and tries her best to make it through the day with an ounce of energy left. Pretty soon we'll be in college with tons of fascinating, peppy youngsters who are full of life and energy. I don't want my husband to look at them, then look at me, and wonder what happened. There really hasn't been a lot of time for being the sexy, spontaneous wife. I know I'm just overreacting, and things will be fine. But that's still a fear of mine and I needed to get it out.

Yesterday we went to our new freshmen orientation at ISU. It was fun. It reminded me of how excited I used to get in high school over the simplest things. I finally got a sense of what it's going to be like in a school environment again. I'm not necessarily nervous about starting school. I'm mostly nervous about the change going on in my life. I've been a stay at home Mommy for a long time now. Nobody really expects to have an intelligent conversation, or do anything that requires a thought process when you tell them you're a SAHM. They just assume you got married out of high school, did nothing with your life, and, "bless your heart," you just don't know what it's like to have a life. I don't mean to judge, but that's my experience. Nobody has ever asked me if I did anything before having kids. I want to scream at them sometimes.,"I am an intelligent woman, who at one time, had an amazing career and sexy thighs!!!" I was a soldier in the U.S. Army. And not just a soldier, but the "go-to" soldier in my company. I won awards and I was respected by pretty much everyone. I was a freakin' air traffic controller! But most people don't know that. They would if they asked, but I am a SAHM. And it isn't all bad that people don't ask. Sometimes it feels like a break. I haven't HAD to use to my brain. I got to play stupid for a while. And even though it frustrated me sometimes and felt like an insult, honestly it was just a break. I got a really long rest from being of any kind of "importance." Now that I'm back in college, people are going to expect me to have important things to say. They're going to assume I have an opinion about every issue that comes up. They're going to have conversations with me and expect me to be smart and witty. I don't get to play dumb anymore or pretend like I don't care, just to avoid confrontation. I have a responsibility now to set an example for all the other amazing women out there, just like me. The ones who gave up their career, respect, and place in society to perform their important role as a mother. I would challenge those of you who read this, to think twice about judging a mother by her "cover." It's a terrible stereotype.

All that said, I did enjoy my time at home with my children. They are amazing. They brighten my day and make me feel wanted and needed. When I sit in the glider in Danny's room, and stare down into his bright little eyes while we rock, my heart just melts. I fall in love with him over and over again. Just like the day he was born. I have been their motherly teacher for a long time. Each second has been a challenge, but one I've accepted gladly and humbly. To have such a responsibility as to mold their innocent lives makes me feel truly special. Heavenly Father must have really had a lot of faith in me to send them to me. He must know me much better than I know myself. I thank Him every day for allowing me to be their mother.

Students

Today, Mike and I are getting our student ID cards, parking pass, and the rest of our books. Tomorrow is the new freshmen orientation at ISU. And Monday is our first day of school. I've been super nervous for the past month, worrying about every little detail and change. Then I woke up a couple of days ago and all the worry was gone. I feel a bit of peace about our situation, and I know that this is God's plan for me and my family. I AM still nervous about my nursing program, simply because I am a bit of a perfectionist and I worry about not getting the best grades, or messing something up and looking like a moron in front of everyone. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with those situations when they inevitably come.

Good luck with all your endeavors and goals this year. I think it's going to be a great one!

Happy New Year

This year brings with it a lot of changes for me. I've been a stay at home Mommy for a while now. This will no longer be the case starting Jan 10th. The thought of somebody else caring for my children and seeing them do or say something for the first time truly breaks my heart. I will miss being with them all the time. But life brings all sorts of changes and challenges into our lives, and we have to push through them and try to learn from the experience. Being a SAHM has been a wonderful experience, and I will cherish it forever.

My new chapter in life will be great, too though. I have an opportunity to do something wonderful and kind for my husband. He has provided for our family through thick and thin. He has been so amazing to me and our children. The least I can do is make one small sacrifice to improve his quality of life. So I am leaving my comfort zone, and venturing out into the world. I'm going to college with him. It seems so strange that all my friends from high school are just now finishing their education and here I am starting mine. Well, sort of. I was in the army and I was an air traffic controller. So in a way, I guess I'm just furthering my education. Either way, I will probably be amongst the older generation of college students.

Another interesting change will be not having any babies in our house for a while. Mike and I feel like the best way to succeed in college is to put that part of our lives on hold. I've been surrounded by diapers, bottles, and baby barf for a while. While it's a little sad that I won't have a baby to rock in my arms and cuddle and coo with, it will be really great to have a break.

I've set a lot of goals for this year. Most of them will likely be forgotten within a few weeks, but the number one most important goal is to be a better, more supportive wife to my husband. I want him to know how much he means to me and how grateful I am for him, and for all of his sacrifices. I feel like if I can just accomplish this one goal, then all the others will fall into place.

Well, I hope everyone has a beautiful 2011. I love you guys and miss you so very much!

Two months plus

That's how long it has been? Really? Well, I'm officially a crappy blogger. For those of you who know me well, I'm sure you pretty much expect not to hear from me during the holiday season. Sorry!!!

On to happy news. Mike only has seven days of work left. It seems so surreal. We have been praying for this day for a very long time now. On January 10th, we will officially be college students. I've heard a lot of criticism and gotten plenty of weird looks. People think we're nuts for quitting a good, steady job in an economy like this, and maybe we are. But we're also desperate for some normalcy. We're tired of the stress that comes with being in the Air Traffic business. We want to spend holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries together. We want to go on family vacations. We want the time, not the money. We have actually been preparing for this for a while. We paid off our car this past February, cut out all our nonessential expenses, and have been practicing better spending habits. It was a tough choice and definitely not one that was taken lightly. So we would ask our friends and family to bear with us during this transitional time and know that this is what the Lord has been preparing us for.

In other news, our boys are growing sooo fast! They're both so smart and I just love them to pieces. Phillip has been improving exponentially in both his behavior and studies. It's so easy to get caught up in the trials of the moment, but when I look back, he really has turned into an amazing little boy. He is so smart and spunky, and he makes me laugh until my cheeks hurt. His favorite thing in the world right now is Thomas the Tank Engine. That's another post entirely, though. Danny is the silliest little thing. He loves the alphabet like nothing you've ever seen. He knows all but a couple of letters, plus a few random shapes, colors and numbers. He chases Phillip all over our house and screams like a banshee. He is one of only a few true loves in my life.

Last week the kids went to their very first day of daycare. It was only a half day. We want them to go a couple of times before school starts so it isn't too much of a shock for them. Phillip loved it, but Danny was a little sad the whole time. I can't say I blame him. I've been coddling him for 18 months, I can't really expect him to take this very well. I'm hoping that him being in the nursery at church now will have some advantages, and get him used to being away from me.

Well, I know this was a bit of a lack luster update, but I'll be posting more soon. Stay safe this New Years!!!

Shirts

I haven't had very good luck the past couple of days. Something snagged my favorite shirt in the washing machine and left about ten different holes all over it, and today I spilled cherry crystal light all over my favorite white shirt. I'm wondering if this is some sort of sign that I need to stop caring so much about my clothes.

Setting Goals

I sure do feel refreshed today. I got lots of sleep last night. The kiddos are being good, a.k.a eating popcorn and watching Thomas and Friends. It feels like it's going to be a good day! So I think I'm going to take this little smidge of free time to set a few goals for myself.

Goal 1:    Get the storage room completely cleaned and organized by Thanksgiving. It's a pretty tall order, but I really need to get it done.

Goal 2:     Lose weight without pushing myself too hard. I have a tendency to get upset with myself when my weight loss isn't progressing, so I need to learn to just do my best and not worry so much.

Goal 3:     Be a better housekeeper.

Goal 4:     Make sure I always have special time at the end of every day to do something fun with Mike.

These may seem like silly goals, but I think they will make a huge difference for me. I will feel a lot better knowing I am working towards something important. I haven't decided if I'm going to reward myself with anything once I reach my goals. Maybe I can get a new dress or something after a few months.

Refusing to be Overwhelmed

For some weird reason I've been letting myself get overwhelmed lately. It's not normally like me to take on more than I can handle. I even keep a "Simplify" sign in my dining room to remind me to keep things in life simple and easy. But lately I've just wanted to do a lot. I don't know who I've been trying to impress. I thought digging deeper into the craft world would open up more friendship opportunities, but so far it hasn't. It's really just been me spending a lot of time on crafts that few others care much about. So I'm thinking I'm going to cut my crafts in half to have more time just for me and the kiddos.

I started selling crayon rolls a while back. I just wanted to make a few extra bucks since I was starting a craft blog. I figured it would give me some of my own money to buy supplies and not have to spend all of Mike's money on my silly experiments. I didn't at all realize how popular the idea would become and I quickly got rushed with tons of orders. I made plenty of money but it was stressful trying to get everything done in time. So from now on I'm not taking any custom orders, just selling whatever I have on hand. Much more simple!

I need to get my mind straight and just spend more time with my boys. Phil hasn't been doing nearly enough math. I need to focus more on his home pre-schooling and less on making sure every cabinet in the kitchen is perfectly organized. Sometimes I let my OCD habits gets the better of me. No Jamie, you do not need to vacuum under the couches every day.

Danny is such a sweet and easy boy that I sometimes forget I need to be spending special time with him, too. He deserves a lot more attention than he has been getting. I make plenty of excuses but at the end of the day, I just need to simplify my life and get back to the basics of being a strong loving family.

I've probably been rambling on today about a lot of nonsense. Don't worry, that's just my brain switching back to simple mode.

My boys

Here's a few fun pictures from the past week!

Glasses

The other day Phil came running up to me in his Daddy's glasses. He kept saying how he could see everything clear. Being the overly paranoid Mommy I am, I immediately called Mike at work and told him to set up an appointment with the eye doctor. When Mike got home that night, we found an online "check you vision" chart from the DMV and tested Phil. No matter what we tried, Phil couldn't read the bottom line of the letters. He got so upset about it at one point that he just broke down in tears. It was heartbreaking. So, we set up an appointment with an eye doctor a couple of days ago and it turns out that Phil is a little farsighted. We ordered him some glasses and they will be here in two weeks. Mike said he did really good at his appointment.

Unconditional Love?

As I was sitting in my living room today, I started thinking about love. I know that I love my family. I know that I love the Lord. I say that I love chocolate. But what is it really, and what does it mean to love unconditionally?

 I've been known to say in the past that we should all love each other unconditionally and not judge. But after this week I can't help but wonder if by judging others, are we starting the process of learning to love them? It know that sounds crazy, and like the complete opposite of love. But in retrospect, some of the most important lessons I have learned have come from the mistakes and bad judgements I have made. As a teenager I always judged my parents for their mistakes. Now I can't help but look back fondly on the trials we went through as a family and the lessons they taught me, whether inadvertently or not. For example, my mother has always been terrible with finances. She is a shopaholic and will pay for anything with a check whether she has money or not. This caused a lot of problems in her marriage to my stepdad. At that time, I hated her for being so selfish and putting our family in such a terrible position. Now I can see that her spending is linked to emotional and mental distress, and perhaps I am grateful she chose that option over something else. She could have chosen to be an alcoholic or to beat her children. But instead she chose shopping. I'm very grateful for what she taught me, even though she doesn't know it. Through that experience I have learned a couple of things; 1.) To be honest with my husband and share our financial goals together. No secret spending, and 2.) There are ways to channel your distress. I judged her and now I love her for those same judgements. Connection?

I'm not perfect, that's for sure. There have been times when I didn't love my family unconditionally. I feel terrible for that, but it's necessary to be honest with yourself in order to move forward. When Phillip was a baby, I wasn't always fond of him. He cried all the time. He slept only a couple of hours a day. I was suffering from sleep paralysis due to this. In addition to Phil, Mike was working very odd hours. So it just happened that the few hours I could manage to get Phillip to sleep were also Mike's hours at home awake. I felt obligated to stay up and spend time with Mike even though this might be my only opportunity to sleep. It didn't take long for me to start resenting both of them for it. I was never mean to them. I never yelled or swore or did anything physically. But inside, all of my loving feelings toward my family were temporarily gone. When I looked at my baby I didn't want to smile or cuddle him. I just wanted him to disappear for a few hours so I could sleep. I lost 54 pounds in five months, was severely depressed. Then miraculously at ten months old, Phil started sleeping. I remember waking up at about seven in the morning and bolting to his room afraid that he was dead. But there he lay, asleep in his crib. My guilt started setting in for how I had been feeling. All the love I had secretly been neglecting my family of rushed back to me. I learned that I could very easily have communicated with my husband my needs, and made most of my problems go away. After talking to him, I realized that I had been judging him harshly. He wasn't the reason I wasn't sleeping, I was. I started communicating my needs with him and our marriage has grown rapidly and positively ever since. I no longer hide my feelings and take on every obligation by myself. Being a mother hasn't gotten a lot easier, but loving my family unconditionally has.

I hope I haven't rambled too much today. Just wanted to share some things I was feeling.

A Selfish Mommy

I've decided to start making Phil have quiet time in his room during Danny's first nap. I feel like I'm being a little selfish, but Phil hasn't napped since he was 18 months old and I really need a break. Normally we do a craft together or some preschool during this time. I guess I will just squeeze that time in somewhere else. What am I going to do with this newly found free time you ask? Absolutely nothing. I'm going to relax, read my news stories on the computer, maybe even shower. Who knows?! My home is my playground!

Feeling good about life.

I posted a couple of entries yesterday about a silly trial I was going through. I feel a million times better today. I'm not a writer so my posts don't always reflect exactly how I feel. I want to change that. I want my readers to know exactly how I'm feeling and not have to guess what I mean. Today I feel inspired, supported, loved, and accepted. The future is bright and full of opportunity. Some great friendship possibilities have come to pass from yesterday's glum. A blessing in disguise really.

Isn't it amazing how someone can be right in front of you, and it takes a miracle to notice them? It shouldn't surprise me because I have had this sort of thing happen before. Sometimes it's the people you least suspect that change your life in the biggest ways. Sometimes it's people you don't even know who change your life.

When I was in Mexico, I was helping carry food, clothing and other supplies to a nearby community. I was only thirteen at the time and a young women's group from Mesa, AR was staying with us for a project. I had never really looked forward to this sort of thing in the past. I had yet to learn how to truly love people just because they are God's children. I always just waited in the van before. I felt sorry for them, which is why I helped but I didn't care about them. I didn't think about them after we left or wonder where their food would be coming from the rest of the month. But this time, one of the girls from Mesa asked me to come and help her. I got out and walked around the van and there she was playing soccer with one of the children She said they needed a goalie. I didn't really want to, but I did it anyway and my life has never been the same since. Something changed in me that day. I saw children who have nothing more than a ragged shirt on their backs as the happiest little kids in the world. I saw parents struggling to provide a shelter for them. They built their "homes" out of whatever materials could be found while walking around the streets. Sometimes it was plastic wrap and cinderblocks. Sometimes cardboard. The lucky families had leftover building materials from abandoned construction along the beach. But I didn't pity them anymore. I respected them. These families had nothing, yet everything. They were happy, kind, and loving. Every time I came back after that, I always made a point to play with the children. To care for whatever needs they had. It was no longer an obligation. I wanted to be there even more than I wanted to be with my friends or family. Leaving Mexico permanently and heading back to Alabama was painful. I miss it to this day. I miss the place who made me the person I am today. I miss the people, the culture, the food. I miss it all.

Time to Reflect

There are times in our lives when we are forced to reflect back upon our pasts. Some of us have very good ones, some of us have very bad ones. Some people have led somewhat boring lives while others have led very interesting and unique lives. I was accused today of being inconsistent in my stories and pretty much called a liar by people who don't know anything about me and the life I have led. I was very hurt and disappointed at first. I couldn't imagine why anyone would ever possibly think that about me. My bitterness is now gone. I think I realize that my past is just too amazing for some people to believe. I have accomplished so much in my short time on this earth. I've lost friends and family members and learned to grieve quickly. I've served in the military and won many different awards for being a great soldier. I've spent time as an air traffic controller and although ultimately decided it wasn't the career for me, it was still an amazing accomplishment. I've traveled all over and learned to embrace diversity. Although I have lost one baby, I've managed to mother two wonderful sons, who while they both have had their own issues, are amazing and everything to me. I've been one of the lucky few who married their best friend and get to enjoy every second of our marriage together. I've spent a good deal of time in Mexico and learned great lessons on understanding and unconditional love. I've seen poverty and cried for the children who have nothing. My life is amazing. I don't regret a second of it, and I guess I can't really blame people for not believing me. I'm not the kind of person who judges other people. I love everyone I meet and have a huge desire for people to like me. Heck, I even want the Taliban to like me. But that isn't the road life takes us on. Heavenly Father sends us trials sometimes that can shred the very faith that holds our lives together. But perseverance, unconditional love, understanding, and forgiveness is the only way to ever make it through.

Very Upsetting

A couple of days ago I sent out an email to some of my friends asking if they would like to do a babysitting swap this week so Mike and I could go to dinner. Today, one of the ladies emailed me back, basically saying she thought I was a bad person, a liar, and she didn't trust me. I was very shocked and offended, especially because she has only ever met me about 5 times, maybe. And that was only during scrap booking meetings. I really don't know how I am supposed to feel or react. I've always known that people from this part of the country tend to be more judgmental, but I had never experienced it before today. I'm going to assume that the Lord wants me to learn something from this situation. I don't know what it is yet, maybe forgiveness and understanding. I'm definitely not feeling that way right now, I have a long way to go before I can reach forgiveness for sure!

We all go through trials I guess. I know so many people who have much harder challenges in their lives. They have found a way to live happily and accept their trials so I can do that, too. Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of encouragement and inspiration. You all mean so much to me and I am very grateful.