Bloggy-Blogging

There are a lot of reasons why I have decided to be diligent and start blogging again. Most notably, it's nice to look back in my past and remember how I was feeling and what my goals were. I've experienced some things this month that haven't been very pleasant. I spent about 10 days being really sick, my school work isn't going well, my family in Alabama is going through a pretty rough time, and all around I'm a little bit depressed. (Not clinically, just kind of sad and disappointed with myself) I try to do too much most of the time. I clean my house, make several meals a day, play with/home-school the boys, go to school and church, and try to be a cheerful, good wife. It isn't exactly easy. Not for me, anyway. I see women who appear to have the same responsibilities I do, but for some reason things are going much better for them. Better grades, super fit, big smiles. I honestly don't know what their secret is. I'm convinced that I'm working my bum off, so what gives?

 On the bright side, we're all healthy, the weather is looking up, and there's lots of summer left to go out and enjoy with my family. Whatever happens with school, there are always options to be considered. If I don't get into the nursing program at ISU, I'll just transfer my credits to ITECH and do their program.

The boys are doing pretty well. Phillip at least. Danny has crazy mood swings that we're dealing with, but I'm sure it will pass. Phil has started going to the library and borrowing books for bedtime reading. He's doing a great job. He also loves his "See Inside My Body" book. He likes the word "alveoli" for some reason. As always, he just loves to learn and explore. He always has something new and interesting to talk about. Danny is a smart little guy. I'm somewhat at a loss on what to work on with him. He know letters, numbers, shapes, colors, animals, etc. What more do you teach an almost three year old? So, mostly we just play.

10 Months

My last blog post was 10 months ago. Time has been going by so fast. I wish I could tell you what a strong person I have been and how easy it is to balance home and school, but I can't. I have been having quite a hard time, actually. Some of my classes have not been what I was expecting. I am retaking chemistry to get a better grade. I should have known better than to take the online course with no lecture. I'm working at the college as well. I'm the student activities board director. I enjoy my job. I have gotten to meet many amazing people that I am lucky to have in my life.

Home life has been... hard. Danny is going through such a rough time. It hurts me deeply to see him this way. He was always my perfect, happy boy until a few months after we started school. Now he just cries and lashes out in violence most of the time. It makes me feel like a bad mother. I can't help but feel like this is my fault because I'm not home with him anymore. I try so hard to change his temper. I cuddle him and love him, but he doesn't want it when he is angry. Mike does his best to help me. He stays in Danny's room at night when he won't sleep. He tries very hard to give me breaks, but usually Danny won't let him. He just throws fits until I come get him. I appreciate Mike's help more than he could ever know, but it's still very hard. I'm just hoping this phase passes soon so I can get my precious little angel back.

Phillip has been doing pretty well. He is making friends at daycare and getting over many of his social quirks. He is smarter then ever. He loves geography and math. He says he wants to be a mathematician when he grows up. He loves playing video games, especially if it's a Mario game. He still has his moments, but for the most part he is an amazing little boy who I love to pieces.

Mike and I had our sixth anniversary a week ago. It was lovely. That man spoils me beyond belief, and I love him more than anything in this world. He is my soul mate.

It's a Process

I've been in school for almost a month now. Mike, the kids, and I are adjusting to the change. It has been pretty hard on my diet, but I'll get back on track! :) So far I've written three papers. Two of them have yet to be graded, but I got a 10/10 on my first English paper. I took my first psychology exam and scored 77/80; my first medical terminology quiz, I got 30/30; my first algebra exam is this tuesday. I feel confident that I will do well on it. My music and political science exams are still a few weeks away, so I guess we'll see how they go. Mike is doing really well, too. He has gotten only perfect marks so far, hooray!

The kiddos are starting to get used to their new schedule. They're a little grumpy on Monday mornings after their three-day weekends, but not too bad. Danny is talking sooo much! I know it's only normal, but it's just such a relief after all the problems we had with Phillip. Danny knows his alphabet and maybe 1/3 of the letter sounds. He counts to nine. He like's to ask me "what's that?" Oh, and he knows circle, square, and star. He doesn't actually say "star" though, he sees one and starts singing "twinkle, twinkle." It's adorable. His favorite toys right now are cars and blocks. He especially loves the track his Oma got him for Christmas. Phillip is trying really hard to adjust socially. He has a lot of quirks that we are working with him on. It can be hard on him learning to interact with the other kids sometimes. I've always been so stingy with my children, so they're a little behind socially.

What else?

SCHOOL! It's all I have to talk about right now. It has consumed me and until I get into a better routine, my life is going to remain pure chaos. Luckily for me, Mike has really stepped up his game at home. He has been cooking, cleaning, watching the kids while I nap. It has been great having him home with me all the time. But even with us both here, last week was a little stressful and chaotic. I'm sure it will get easier as we go along and learn to manage our time... something I haven't had to do in a very long time.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but my schedule is quite hefty. Thank goodness for my army benefits, but they still don't make getting my education all that easy. I have 36 months to complete my degree without having to pay for it. That means I need to max out my credits every single semester. Right now I'm taking six classes:  Algebra, Music, Political Science, English, Psychology, and Medical Terminology. Yeah, I'm crazy. Next semester will likely be another six classes, and so on and so forth. I definitely have my work cut out for me. Oh, and not passing a class is not even an option. Hooray!

Aside from school, we're all doing fine. The kids are adjusting to our new lifestyle, and slowly but surely, Mike and I are as well. Danny got a cold a couple of days ago, so he is grumpy, but still okay. That's really it. Hopefully I have something more interesting to talk about soon.

Day One

Hello, my sweet devoted followers. Today was bittersweet for me. I enjoyed my classes and the two professors I met seemed very genuine and fun. My Monday classes are simple and easy. I have Political Science and English. I'd be surprised if I spent more than minimal time studying for them. My Tuesday classes are the ones I'm nervous about. I have Algebra, Music, and Psychology. That's where I assume the bulk of my studying and stress will come form.

Aside from being in class today, which was fun, I have been feeling kind of crappy for the past week or so. My stomach has been twisted up in knots and I just feel dizzy and nauseated all day. I first assumed it was food poisoning from my sprouts. Then I reckoned on nerves. But to be honest I really don't know why I'm feeling so icky. I just hope it goes away soon.

The kids seem to be doing a good job adjusting to their daycare. Danny is taking a little longer, but he'll get there eventually. That's it for today. I will try to write a more lengthy update soon.

What happens when I'm awake late at night?

I blog! Yes, that's me. I'm the woman with nothing better to do at night than sit on my computer and talk about myself. Sometimes I look back at what I've written and think, "Wow, I must have been REALLY tired!" Other times I'm thankful for the sleepy, stupor-induced honesty. I have no idea who actually reads my blog. I think most people who do, find my subject matter awkward and would rather not comment or bring it up. I talk about a lot of personal feelings; a lot of taboo subjects; a lot of nothing. I still don't know if I'm writing for me or for you. Every once in a while, I go back and take a look at something from a year ago to see where I was in my life and how I was feeling. Most of the time I can't even remember writing it. It's like I'm reading someone else's journal. If you ever want a chronological list of all your mistakes and shortcomings, this is the way to go!

Have I ever mentioned my super-sized cat on here? We own a cat who is basically Garfield, just a different color. She is huge, lazy, self-centered, and she loves lasagna. (She actually loves to eat anything.) Her name is Cally, and she wasn't always such a lard butt. In the winter of 07-08, our first cat, "Kitty," ran away. She was the meanest thing you've ever seen in your life, but we loved her and it was heartbreaking. We looked everywhere for her. On a few occasions, we checked the local shelter to see if she turned up, but she never did. That's where we met Cally. I started thinking about getting another cat, but I wasn't really committed to the idea. I would go to the shelter and check the cages for Kitty, but deep down I knew she was gone. I started to enjoy petting the other cats and playing with them. I held Cally a few times. She was bony and ugly, and I didn't really feel a connection with her. One day I went to the shelter and there was a paper on her cage. It was a description of her, with a note that said, "5 days left." I realized that this sweet kitty was about to be euthanized. I talked to the caretaker, who informed me that five different families had adopted her, but changed their minds and brought her back. How sad! I adopted her that very day. She was so shy and scared for the first few days. She didn't even make any sounds when she meowed. Her hair was thin. You could feel her bones when you held her. She is missing a few teeth, so she drooled everywhere. And thanks to the lovely shelter diet she had been living on, she had awful gas. But everyone agreed that she was the most loving cat on the earth. All she has ever wanted is to be held and loved. It doesn't matter who you are, you're her best friend. She has come a very long way from being the bony little kitty I adopted, but she is still a sweetheart and I love her.

She's wearing a size 24 month toddler shirt, yowzers.

Isn't she just huge?

Awe, cuddles.

Mike HATES when I dress her in the kids clothes, ha ha ha.

Here's the lasagna! See, I was telling the truth.

That's her smile.

She loves racing cars!

She's trying to figure out what this squishy, pink thing is that took her lap!

Yes, that's actually how she sleeps.

She's even good with babies who like to chew on her hair!

How do you feel?

Do you ever have points in your life where you just aren't feeling good about yourself, you have no idea why, and it's driving you crazy??? That's where I am. I can't pinpoint exactly what's bugging me, but I know there's something that isn't quite right.

Tomorrow is Mike's last day of work. I'm so happy to finally have him around more. For the past four and a half years, his schedule has made life more stressful than it really should be. I'm grateful for this opportunity, and I couldn't ask for more. At the same time, I'm realizing that all this time away from each other over the past four point five years has brought other challenges along with it. We've adapted to spending so little time together that I'm convinced he will find me boring now. When we were dating, I could make him fun surprises, go on long weekend getaways, and be sexy and carefree. But these days I'm pretty much just a housewife and Mommy who cleans the house, cooks dinner and tries her best to make it through the day with an ounce of energy left. Pretty soon we'll be in college with tons of fascinating, peppy youngsters who are full of life and energy. I don't want my husband to look at them, then look at me, and wonder what happened. There really hasn't been a lot of time for being the sexy, spontaneous wife. I know I'm just overreacting, and things will be fine. But that's still a fear of mine and I needed to get it out.

Yesterday we went to our new freshmen orientation at ISU. It was fun. It reminded me of how excited I used to get in high school over the simplest things. I finally got a sense of what it's going to be like in a school environment again. I'm not necessarily nervous about starting school. I'm mostly nervous about the change going on in my life. I've been a stay at home Mommy for a long time now. Nobody really expects to have an intelligent conversation, or do anything that requires a thought process when you tell them you're a SAHM. They just assume you got married out of high school, did nothing with your life, and, "bless your heart," you just don't know what it's like to have a life. I don't mean to judge, but that's my experience. Nobody has ever asked me if I did anything before having kids. I want to scream at them sometimes.,"I am an intelligent woman, who at one time, had an amazing career and sexy thighs!!!" I was a soldier in the U.S. Army. And not just a soldier, but the "go-to" soldier in my company. I won awards and I was respected by pretty much everyone. I was a freakin' air traffic controller! But most people don't know that. They would if they asked, but I am a SAHM. And it isn't all bad that people don't ask. Sometimes it feels like a break. I haven't HAD to use to my brain. I got to play stupid for a while. And even though it frustrated me sometimes and felt like an insult, honestly it was just a break. I got a really long rest from being of any kind of "importance." Now that I'm back in college, people are going to expect me to have important things to say. They're going to assume I have an opinion about every issue that comes up. They're going to have conversations with me and expect me to be smart and witty. I don't get to play dumb anymore or pretend like I don't care, just to avoid confrontation. I have a responsibility now to set an example for all the other amazing women out there, just like me. The ones who gave up their career, respect, and place in society to perform their important role as a mother. I would challenge those of you who read this, to think twice about judging a mother by her "cover." It's a terrible stereotype.

All that said, I did enjoy my time at home with my children. They are amazing. They brighten my day and make me feel wanted and needed. When I sit in the glider in Danny's room, and stare down into his bright little eyes while we rock, my heart just melts. I fall in love with him over and over again. Just like the day he was born. I have been their motherly teacher for a long time. Each second has been a challenge, but one I've accepted gladly and humbly. To have such a responsibility as to mold their innocent lives makes me feel truly special. Heavenly Father must have really had a lot of faith in me to send them to me. He must know me much better than I know myself. I thank Him every day for allowing me to be their mother.

Students

Today, Mike and I are getting our student ID cards, parking pass, and the rest of our books. Tomorrow is the new freshmen orientation at ISU. And Monday is our first day of school. I've been super nervous for the past month, worrying about every little detail and change. Then I woke up a couple of days ago and all the worry was gone. I feel a bit of peace about our situation, and I know that this is God's plan for me and my family. I AM still nervous about my nursing program, simply because I am a bit of a perfectionist and I worry about not getting the best grades, or messing something up and looking like a moron in front of everyone. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with those situations when they inevitably come.

Good luck with all your endeavors and goals this year. I think it's going to be a great one!

Happy New Year

This year brings with it a lot of changes for me. I've been a stay at home Mommy for a while now. This will no longer be the case starting Jan 10th. The thought of somebody else caring for my children and seeing them do or say something for the first time truly breaks my heart. I will miss being with them all the time. But life brings all sorts of changes and challenges into our lives, and we have to push through them and try to learn from the experience. Being a SAHM has been a wonderful experience, and I will cherish it forever.

My new chapter in life will be great, too though. I have an opportunity to do something wonderful and kind for my husband. He has provided for our family through thick and thin. He has been so amazing to me and our children. The least I can do is make one small sacrifice to improve his quality of life. So I am leaving my comfort zone, and venturing out into the world. I'm going to college with him. It seems so strange that all my friends from high school are just now finishing their education and here I am starting mine. Well, sort of. I was in the army and I was an air traffic controller. So in a way, I guess I'm just furthering my education. Either way, I will probably be amongst the older generation of college students.

Another interesting change will be not having any babies in our house for a while. Mike and I feel like the best way to succeed in college is to put that part of our lives on hold. I've been surrounded by diapers, bottles, and baby barf for a while. While it's a little sad that I won't have a baby to rock in my arms and cuddle and coo with, it will be really great to have a break.

I've set a lot of goals for this year. Most of them will likely be forgotten within a few weeks, but the number one most important goal is to be a better, more supportive wife to my husband. I want him to know how much he means to me and how grateful I am for him, and for all of his sacrifices. I feel like if I can just accomplish this one goal, then all the others will fall into place.

Well, I hope everyone has a beautiful 2011. I love you guys and miss you so very much!

Two months plus

That's how long it has been? Really? Well, I'm officially a crappy blogger. For those of you who know me well, I'm sure you pretty much expect not to hear from me during the holiday season. Sorry!!!

On to happy news. Mike only has seven days of work left. It seems so surreal. We have been praying for this day for a very long time now. On January 10th, we will officially be college students. I've heard a lot of criticism and gotten plenty of weird looks. People think we're nuts for quitting a good, steady job in an economy like this, and maybe we are. But we're also desperate for some normalcy. We're tired of the stress that comes with being in the Air Traffic business. We want to spend holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries together. We want to go on family vacations. We want the time, not the money. We have actually been preparing for this for a while. We paid off our car this past February, cut out all our nonessential expenses, and have been practicing better spending habits. It was a tough choice and definitely not one that was taken lightly. So we would ask our friends and family to bear with us during this transitional time and know that this is what the Lord has been preparing us for.

In other news, our boys are growing sooo fast! They're both so smart and I just love them to pieces. Phillip has been improving exponentially in both his behavior and studies. It's so easy to get caught up in the trials of the moment, but when I look back, he really has turned into an amazing little boy. He is so smart and spunky, and he makes me laugh until my cheeks hurt. His favorite thing in the world right now is Thomas the Tank Engine. That's another post entirely, though. Danny is the silliest little thing. He loves the alphabet like nothing you've ever seen. He knows all but a couple of letters, plus a few random shapes, colors and numbers. He chases Phillip all over our house and screams like a banshee. He is one of only a few true loves in my life.

Last week the kids went to their very first day of daycare. It was only a half day. We want them to go a couple of times before school starts so it isn't too much of a shock for them. Phillip loved it, but Danny was a little sad the whole time. I can't say I blame him. I've been coddling him for 18 months, I can't really expect him to take this very well. I'm hoping that him being in the nursery at church now will have some advantages, and get him used to being away from me.

Well, I know this was a bit of a lack luster update, but I'll be posting more soon. Stay safe this New Years!!!