How do you feel?

Do you ever have points in your life where you just aren't feeling good about yourself, you have no idea why, and it's driving you crazy??? That's where I am. I can't pinpoint exactly what's bugging me, but I know there's something that isn't quite right.

Tomorrow is Mike's last day of work. I'm so happy to finally have him around more. For the past four and a half years, his schedule has made life more stressful than it really should be. I'm grateful for this opportunity, and I couldn't ask for more. At the same time, I'm realizing that all this time away from each other over the past four point five years has brought other challenges along with it. We've adapted to spending so little time together that I'm convinced he will find me boring now. When we were dating, I could make him fun surprises, go on long weekend getaways, and be sexy and carefree. But these days I'm pretty much just a housewife and Mommy who cleans the house, cooks dinner and tries her best to make it through the day with an ounce of energy left. Pretty soon we'll be in college with tons of fascinating, peppy youngsters who are full of life and energy. I don't want my husband to look at them, then look at me, and wonder what happened. There really hasn't been a lot of time for being the sexy, spontaneous wife. I know I'm just overreacting, and things will be fine. But that's still a fear of mine and I needed to get it out.

Yesterday we went to our new freshmen orientation at ISU. It was fun. It reminded me of how excited I used to get in high school over the simplest things. I finally got a sense of what it's going to be like in a school environment again. I'm not necessarily nervous about starting school. I'm mostly nervous about the change going on in my life. I've been a stay at home Mommy for a long time now. Nobody really expects to have an intelligent conversation, or do anything that requires a thought process when you tell them you're a SAHM. They just assume you got married out of high school, did nothing with your life, and, "bless your heart," you just don't know what it's like to have a life. I don't mean to judge, but that's my experience. Nobody has ever asked me if I did anything before having kids. I want to scream at them sometimes.,"I am an intelligent woman, who at one time, had an amazing career and sexy thighs!!!" I was a soldier in the U.S. Army. And not just a soldier, but the "go-to" soldier in my company. I won awards and I was respected by pretty much everyone. I was a freakin' air traffic controller! But most people don't know that. They would if they asked, but I am a SAHM. And it isn't all bad that people don't ask. Sometimes it feels like a break. I haven't HAD to use to my brain. I got to play stupid for a while. And even though it frustrated me sometimes and felt like an insult, honestly it was just a break. I got a really long rest from being of any kind of "importance." Now that I'm back in college, people are going to expect me to have important things to say. They're going to assume I have an opinion about every issue that comes up. They're going to have conversations with me and expect me to be smart and witty. I don't get to play dumb anymore or pretend like I don't care, just to avoid confrontation. I have a responsibility now to set an example for all the other amazing women out there, just like me. The ones who gave up their career, respect, and place in society to perform their important role as a mother. I would challenge those of you who read this, to think twice about judging a mother by her "cover." It's a terrible stereotype.

All that said, I did enjoy my time at home with my children. They are amazing. They brighten my day and make me feel wanted and needed. When I sit in the glider in Danny's room, and stare down into his bright little eyes while we rock, my heart just melts. I fall in love with him over and over again. Just like the day he was born. I have been their motherly teacher for a long time. Each second has been a challenge, but one I've accepted gladly and humbly. To have such a responsibility as to mold their innocent lives makes me feel truly special. Heavenly Father must have really had a lot of faith in me to send them to me. He must know me much better than I know myself. I thank Him every day for allowing me to be their mother.