Finally, an update!

I've been so super busy lately, but I finally found some time for a quick update. First, I wanted to share this picture with you guys. It's right before we left to go to the hospital and have Danny.

And now four months later, I'm finally starting to look a little more normal. I'm hoping to be back to my normal self by New Year's. Here's my most recent picture.

I have no idea how much weight I have lost. I stopped weighing myself about five weeks ago. Now I'm just focusing more on making healthy choices and staying active. Not that I have much of a choice in that area. With two little kids, you're active whether you like it or not.

Speaking of kids, I HAVE to brag on Phillip. He is just the smartest little guy. Most recently he is counting to forty, spelling about six different words, he knows all his letters and letter sounds, he can write most of his numbers and letters, and that's just to name a few things he has been working on. I am always amazed at how quick he is to learn new things. We're about to start learning about the solar system and I can't wait! I have a ton of fun projects lined up and I just know it's going to be a blast! I never thought doing home preschool would be this much fun. But seeing him learn and grow and discover just makes me all warm and fuzzy.

Daniel is doing very well, too! He really is just the sweetest baby boy. Every time I look at him I light up a little bit more. He is always, and I mean ALWAYS happy. He loves to wrestle with his toys. He'll grab onto them and just roll around eating them. It's so cute. He is rolling both ways, but he doesn't do it that much. Mostly he kicks his legs and spins in circles.

I love my family so much. We haven't had the easiest life, moving all over the country and starting over time and time again, but we love each other and we're happy. That's all that really matters.

I'll post some pictures of the boys soon!

Pending the inspection results, WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!

We are so excited and can't wait until the inspection on Tuesday. If everything goes well we will be moving in the last two days of this month, Hooray!

Just some pictures.

This is my three month postpartum body. It's not what I was hoping for, but I'm getting there.

Danny eating baby cereal for the first time.

Me and Mike just being silly.

Buying a house?!?

I'm being so impatient today. I know that buying a house is a long process, but I just want it to be mine! As far as we know, there aren't any other offers on the house and it has been on the market for quite some time. I just have to be confident that we can make a deal where everyone wins and is happy.

We didn't even originally consider this house. At a first glance it didn't seem like anything spectacular. We looked at a few other places first, and thought we would take a look at this one, just to be sure. As soon as we walked up to the house, we immediately fell in love with it. The pictures could never do it justice! I'm almost at a loss for how beautiful and spacious this home is for the price. I'm pretty sure it would have sold for a lot more a few years ago, but fortunately we are in the market at the perfect time.

If all goes well, there should be a deal by tomorrow. I can almost taste it!

http://www.trulia.com/property/photos/1074568955-1160-Stanger-Ave-Idaho-Falls-ID-83404

Three Months

My cute little baby at three months old!

I swear he is the spitting image of his brother, identical!

Look at that adorable smile, just brightens my day.

I can't believe it has been three months already. I really has seemed like time has been flying by. Daniel is such an awesome little guy. I honestly think he is the best baby I've ever known. He is always so happy and smiling at everyone. He is still sleeping great, usually six to eight hours straight, then up to eat and back to sleep for another three or four hours. I feel so blessed to have him in my life!

I hit a weight loss plateau for a while. I didn't lose any weight for seven weeks, then last week I started a diet and I have lost two pounds since. I am usually against anything that has to do with dieting. I would much rather just work out a little more, but that hasn't been an option yet. I'm hoping I can start exercising again when we get into a house., and get back on a reasonable schedule.

Potty Training! and Herbal Tea

What can I say? It's past time for me to be doing this but by gosh I've just been busy. Today is day five of potty training. The first two days were an emotional and physical disaster. Phillip would just cry and cry every time I put him on the toilet. Day three we took a break. Then yesterday we started up again. It seems like our day off really helped because Phillip used the potty three times last night. Once he even went by himself. I was at the store and Mike was home with Phil when Mike discovered a little bit of pee on Phil's shirt. Apparently he went by himself and forgot to pull his shirt up. Silly boy! Today he has used the potty twice and had one accident. We were outside though, and I think he just forgot he wasn't wearing a diaper, no biggie!

Okay, so now on to the herbal tea. I want to start producing more breast milk, and I have been reading a lot about how different herbs aid in healthy lactation. So last night I went to the organic section in Fred Meyer and found a tea specifically for that purpose. today will be my first day trying it out. My cup of tea is steeping as we speak, and it smells terrible. I can only pray it tastes better than this aroma I'm subjected to at the moment. So here's what all is in it:

Fennel

Aniseed

Coriander

Fenugreek seed

Thistle

Spearmint leaf

Lemongrass leaf

Lemon Verbena leaf

Marshmallow Root

Who knew marshmallow was a root? I thought it was a disgusting puffy sugar thingy. I think I'll do some research on that.

Just me saying things...

Do you ever get to a point in your life where you just think, "What's next?" That's kind of where I am. We always seem to have something going on. Whether it be having a baby, moving and starting a new job, family visiting, family problems, etc. Now we are looking for a house that will still enable us to pay off our car after we get all the medical bills from the past couple of months. I really just can't help but wonder if there is going to be a lull in all this craziness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I just wonder what will be next.

Here's a couple of cute pics of the boys the week before we moved. I really need to get the ball rolling and put all my new pictures on the computer.

Luvin' my babies!

I just absolutely love seeing how Phil's personality has begun to bloom. Everyday I see more and more of it. He is such a sweet and caring little boy, it just melts my heart. Aside from loving to draw pictures, he also loves hanging out with his little brother. They lay on the blanket together outside and Phil talks to him. No doubt he's telling him all about how to get around Mommy's rules. Phil really likes his new home, mostly because this is the first time he has ever had stairs. He goes up and down the stairs all day long, climbing up, then sliding down on his belly. Oh! And for the first time yesterday he started eating a whole apple without me cutting it up. He just picked it up and started munching!

Danny is a little sweetheart, too. I adore his innocent little smile. Can you imagine being so tiny, and everything you ever see or do is brand new? I try to imagine what it would feel like, maybe it's the same way astronauts feel when they go to outer space. Danny's favorite thing to do right now is sit in his car seat and play with the links hanging down. He coos and slaps at them and it's so cute to watch! I try to keep him awake as much as possible, just hoping to see him do something cute and memorable. Maybe that's why he is sleeping so well at night. Last night he slept for nine hours before waking up to eat, then going back to sleep.

On a sadder note, my weight loss seems to have come to a plateau. I guess I'm going to have to start working out again now. I have lost 30 pounds though, and I think it will be pretty easy to get to my goal as long as I put forth some sort of effort. (Not something I'm known for.) I prefer to just have fun and do whatever I want, but apparently that doesn't make you look like the smokin' 20 year old you once were.

What I'd give to be in that good of shape again!

My three-year-old artist.

The past couple of weeks Phillip has really gotten into drawing. It started with him coloring entire notebook pages one color. Then he started drawing straight lines and circles, and now he is drawing whatever his little mind thinks of. Yesterday he drew his favorite cartoon character, "Captain Knuckles," a camera, the sun and moon, the number 10, Mommy, and a car on a road. He did a really good job too! I took some photos of them, but we haven't put them on the computer yet. I'll post them when we do. I can't help but wonder what he will learn to draw next. Or even what he will learn to say or do next! He just seems to be progressing so fast since Danny was born.

Danny is doing great, too! He is sleeping really well. He usually sleeps for six hours when I put him to bed, then he wakes up to eat and goes back to sleep for another four hours. His legs are starting to get stronger. He likes to lay on my chest and bounce with them. I don't know how much he weighs right now, but he's a little chunkster!

I love my monkeys!!!

Blogging outside!

After living in Kansas for so long, I had forgotten it was possible to actually enjoy being outside. Here I now sit, on a blanket in the shade, with my babies by my side. There's a slight breeze, just enough to battle the warm air. I feel so refreshed! Okay, enough bragging.

Today is Mike's third day at work. He says the people he works with are friendly enough. I met one gal, Angela. She seemed really nice! Of coarse our ultimate goal is still for Mike to go to school full time for a new career. But this will do until we can make that a reality. Mike doesn't really like Air Traffic Control at all. He has recently said he would like to work in Human Resources. I know things will work out for him eventually. In the meantime, we have a wonderful place to call home.

By the way, has anyone ever heard of frisbee golf? Well, until we moved here I just thought it was a made up game on the Wii, but it turns out it's real! It looks super fun too. I think I will try my hand at the sport and see where it takes me. I need to start playing tennis again, too. I really miss it!

We made it, sort of.

Well, we got to Idaho Falls four days ago. So far, the place seems pretty nice, but we've had a ton of crazy drama ever since arriving. When we got to the rental office to sign our lease and pick up the keys nobody seemed to know very much. They couldn't figure out where our keys were and informed us the stove top in our apartment didn't work. They also didn't know which mailbox was ours, and said we should just try them all until we got the right one. Great idea... I'll just stand outside and look like I'm trying to break in and steal everyone's mail!

We were told someone would be by the following day to fix our stove top, and indeed they were. Unfortunately, he needed to order the parts, which wouldn't be in for a week. Oh and did I mention the fact that the stove electrocuted him? Yeah, not gonna work for me. So I had to call and tell the office we were NOT going an entire week with a stove that doesn't work and electrocutes people. I had to be kinda rude to the gal on the phone about it. I didn't want to, but she refused to acknowledge it was a problem. So I let her know that if we didn't have a new stove by the end of the day, we were leaving and filing a complaint with the attorney general. Somehow they miraculously came up with a new stove within the hour.

Additionally, our apartment was filthy when we moved in. The walls were not even so much as wiped off, so there are all kinds of soda spills and stuff on them. The light fixtures are all covered in grime and bugs. The top of the fridge is covered in dust and grime, there were cigarette butts in our garage, and an old rusty grill with wasp nests inside on the back patio. The floors might have been vacuumed, but they weren't cleaned because they turn our socks black. We took pictures of everything and put it on the sheet you fill out stating the status of the apt. We asked if they could either send out a cleaning crew, or reimburse for our first weeks rent since we couldn't move our stuff in until everything was clean. When the lady called us back she said the owner claimed he looked at the apartment previously and there was nothing wrong with it. What a liar!!!

So, we are less than pleased with this apartment. Mike said if he like's his job, then we'll find a house and buy out of our lease. If he decides he doesn't like his job here, then we are going to find a way for him to go back to school. We're kind of tired of going from tower to tower hoping it will be different. The town seems nice though. There are a ton of parks, a zoo, a museum, mall, lots of places to go out. Now as long as Mike likes his job we'll be set!

I had a heck of a time getting to church yesterday. The internet gave me directions to nowhere, so I ended up driving around in a five square mile radius until I found the right street. With all the confusion, I was only fifteen minutes late. Of coarse Phillip had to cry and be a handful all throughout sacrament, but I knew I had to just stay in the meeting and deal with it. If you take them out the first time, they expect it from then on out. He loved his nursery class though and did really well. I met a few nice ladies and hopefully I'll meet some more people tomorrow at playgroup.

My past three weeks have been very stressful. I'm praying that it's all for my own good, but to be honest I have just been a little down. Having a baby, my five week old getting surgery, moving, and dealing with this crappy rental agency have just made me a little pessimistic. I seriously need a break.

Pros and Cons of a Baby who sleeps well.

I've recently found myself unable to decide whether or not it's a good thing that Danny sleeps so well. On the one hand, I have been getting a lot more sleep than I did with Phillip. But on the other hand, going so long at a time without nursing has convinced my body to start menstruating again. I'm really happy for Danny! He wakes up happy and it just lights up my day to see him smile. But seriously, I thought I would be able to make it longer than six weeks before getting my period. I thought that was supposed to be one of the perks of breast feeding. I should have expected it though. With Phillip, I got it back around nine weeks postpartum. But he took an entire month to start latching on and didn't eat well, so I wasn't very surprised. This time around really was a surprise for me though. Danny has been a great little "sucker" ever since he was born. He eats a TON and has gained about five pounds already. I honestly thought I was going to luck out. Has anyone else had this happen? It just seems unfair! Perhaps even more frustrating than just having my period back, is that now I have to worry about getting pregnant again. Grrrrr. I miss the worry-free days!!!

Daniel's Surgery

Well Daniel had to have a minor surgery last week. It wasn't a very big deal, but I kinda freaked out anyway. I started to change his diaper and noticed a weird lump right next to his rectum. I immediately showed Mike, and started looking all over the internet to find out what it was. I decided I thought it was an abscess, (which turned out to be right) and called the doctor's office. They told me to come in the next morning. I originally thought the pediatrician would just suck the gunk out with a needle and everything would be done with. Boy was I wrong!

The doctor came in and looked at it and said she needed to have the surgeon come down and see if he could drain it in the office or not. She said if he couldn't do it there, then Daniel would have to be admitted to the hospital and have surgery to remove the puss. I was kind of taken aback. A hospital stay wasn't exactly on my agenda for the day. What would I do about Mike going to work, and who would watch Phillip? Well, the surgeon finally arrived and decided the abscess was too big to drain in the office. We would have to be admitted. Great... just our luck.

Luckily I have a great friend who offered to take Phillip home with her for a while. The last thing I needed was to try and take care of a hungry, fussy three year old while trying not to break down about little Danny. I was told Daniel wouldn't be able to eat again until after his surgery. He already hadn't eaten in three hours, and they needed to wait a total of six hours before putting him under anesthesia because of the risk of aspirating into his lungs. That made me freak out, too. A couple of nurses came over and tried to put an I.V. in his arm, but after two blown veins they decided to let the pediatric nurses take care of it. At this point, I am a complete emotional mess.

We finally got admitted into the pediatric ward around 11:30 in the morning. We were told the surgery was scheduled for around five that evening. At six o'clock the nurse informs us that they are backed up in surgery, and the surgeon suggested feeding Daniel and trying again in the morning. That was not an option for me. I refuse to starve my five week old baby all day for NOTHING! So we made it pretty clear that we were under no circumstances waiting until the next day for his surgery. They weren't happy with us, but to be honest, I really could have cared less. Daniel ended up going to surgery at 11:30 that night.

The procedure itself only lasted about ten minutes. The surgeon made a one inch incision across the abscess and drained it. He said there was a lot more puss in it than he originally thought. Daniel was put on a ten day supply of the antibiotic Cleocin. He is doing great now, and seems much happier.

A late tribute to Michael Jackson

I meant to write this post quite a while ago, but was sidetracked with kids and moving. I realize there is a lot of controversy surrounding Michael Jackson. Alleged crimes, plastic surgeries, his infamous dangling the baby. It's not my place to judge others based on their personal decisions or accused actions. In the end, one fact remains and perhaps is the most important one of all. He changed the way we think of music and inspired countless millions with his words.

I can remember the very first time I heard "Man in the Mirror." It was such a life-changing moment for me. I was going through a pretty rough time in my life. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer only about a month after my little brother came to live with us. He was only six months old, coming from an abusive home. I was having a particularly hard time with school and friends, and had recently become discouraged at church because I was the only LDS youth in my county. It was just a very dismal time in my life and I wasn't sure how to turn things around. So one day, I went to the mall with a couple of friends and decided to peruse a few cd's. I picked Michael Jackson's Number Ones cd, put the head phones on, and scanned the bar code. There were only three songs to choose from on the preview, so I chose "Man in the Mirror." I could immediately feel the power and emotions from this song. The message was so clear to me, and I knew that all I had to do was look to myself to make the change in me that I needed; both to be a better person, and to deal with the adversity that comes from living in a world that doesn't understand you.

Indeed from that day forward, Michael Jackson has had a permanent place in my heart. I bought the cd, and listen to it on a regular basis even now. That's not the only song that has meaning to me, but it's the one that changed me. I truly do believe that the world can be a better place if we look at ourselves and make the changes we want to see in others.

I know he'll never know what he did for me, but I like to think that "in the beyond" he can see what good has come from his music. Thank you, Michael, for having the courage to follow your dreams.

Facebook Poll Rantings

Today I logged onto Facebook in an attempt to relax after a long day of phone calls and cranky children. One of the first things I noticed was a poll that a few people I know voted on. It was, "Should people on welfare have to be drug tested to get a check?" I was surprised to see how many people voted "yes." By no means do I support the idea of some scum bag using my tax dollars on dope, but being on welfare doesn't make you a scum bag. I know plenty of hard working, upstanding citizens who just so happen to be poor. Some of the most amazing friends I have are on welfare and they deserve every penny of it. What they don't deserve is the humiliation of having to pee in front of government employees to prove that they aren't scum. Do we not live in a country with a constitution that guarantees us certain freedoms? Is it not embarrassing enough to have to be on welfare? Isn't it enough that in order to maintain their dignity, they are forced to go grocery shopping at three in the morning so nobody sees their food stamps? I'm so exhausted of all the unfair stereotypes!

I'm sure it's easy to say yes when you have plenty of money. Maybe it's even easy to say yes when you don't respect yourself enough to care about your rights as a human being. It's not out of the question to assume that there are a few people abusing the system. But, in my opinion, you shouldn't punish those who are doing what's right, and have integrity, just to make sure you get all the bad guys. I saw enough of that nonsense in the Army.

There is a very vague point that our ever-strengthening government must be very careful not to cross. How easy it would be to force everyone to choose what's right. There's a name for that... dictatorship... soon followed by another name... communism. If you really want to live that way, I suggest moving to China. Just be sure to take an air purifier with you and wear a mask. I hear there is a lot of pollution.

Idaho Falls

It seems only fitting that one of the busiest times since we moved to Kansas is when we are likely to be moving again. That's usually how it works. Daniel will be four weeks old tomorrow, Phillip just started a new schedule, Mike is just about to get his vacation at work, and we get the phone call. "Hi Mike, I got your application... ." We are still waiting for the "final" word. The Air Traffic Manager has made it pretty obvious that she wants to hire him though, and just has to get the go-ahead. We are really excited about going to Idaho. Idaho Falls seems like a wonderful area, and I think we will enjoy it.

Daniel's Due Date

I can't believe he's three weeks old!

Yesterday was my actual due date for Daniel. So naturally we decided to turn on Wii Fit to weigh him in. You'll never guess how much he weighs... go ahead, guess... 10.1 pounds!!! That's almost three pounds more than when he was born, and additionally, it's close to what his doctors estimated he would weigh at full term. So I'm just curious, does that mean if he were born yesterday he would have weighed the same amount, or is weight gained differently after birth? Either way, he's a BIG boy!

Phillip has been cracking me up lately. He comes up with some of the silliest ways to entertain himself, like playing blues clues, or chasing our cat around the house. Oh kids!

Two weeks old!

Daniel is officially two weeks old today. The time is going by so fast it's almost scary. At his appointment yesterday, Daniel had already gained over a pound, weighing in at 8 pounds 8 ounces. He had also grown an entire inch to 20 1/2 inches tall. The nurse said he was in the 60th percentile for everything, which I think is excellent for a baby who wasn't even due until the 17th. Daniel is a wonderful son. He is so sweet and perfect. I think he and Phillip are going to be best friends! Phillip already wants to help with everything, and he tries to sneak him sippy cups and blankets when I'm not looking. It's just too funny.

I'd like to remind everyone that we have videos and pictures on our family website, web.mac.com/mikevandyke1

Daniel Ray

Well, the last entry I wrote on here was to tell everyone about how Daniel wasn’t ready to join us yet, and my water broke the next day. Daniel Ray VanDyke was born on June 24th at 3:31 am. He weighed 7 pounds 4.3 oz, and was 19 1/2 inches long. Despite being born three weeks early, he is doing very well. He has a little bit of jaundice, but it should go away soon on it’s own.

His labor wasn’t too bad either. I didn’t feel any contractions at all until I was dilated to five, and it started hurting not long after that. I made it to an eight before getting an epidural. I was hoping to not get one at all, but I caved in. I’m really glad that I did, too. Once it kicked in I was able to take a nap and rest a little bit. The nurse woke me up a few minutes before it was time to push. Unfortunately, Daniel was turned face-up, so I had to push on my side for almost half an hour to get him to turn around. Three contractions after he turned around he was born. I was happy to not have to feel any pain!

Daniel originally only got an APGAR score of 2, but his second one was 8, and his third one was nine. He didn’t cry very much after being born, he is a very happy baby. Daniel sleeps ALL the time. I usually have to wake him up to eat. He eats really good though. I’m so thankful that he is a natural at breast feeding.

We’re very happy that everything went so well, and are enjoying every minute of having Daniel with us. Phillip is adjusting amazingly well to having him home. Phil likes to push Daniel in the swing and he tries to feed him when I’m not looking. Last night Daniel was laying on a blanket in the floor and he started crying, so Phil went over and started rubbing his belly saying, “It’s okay.” It was just too cute! I think it’s going to be pretty easy getting everyone on a schedule and getting back to normal. Daniel is just such a great baby!

Thanks for all the congratulations and gifts! We hope you guys enjoy the plethora of pictures and videos that will soon be coming to our website. Have a great week!

Is it time yet... NO!

I thought I should write an update about the baby.

I went for my weekly checkup today. I explained to the doctor how much pain I have been having in my pelvis, so she said she would try and figure out what it was. As it turns out, while she was examining my cervix, she looks up and goes, " Wow, there's the baby's head, no wonder you are in so much pain." Apparently my behemoth of a baby has already decided to nestle his big head in my pelvis. She could feel his whole head almost. Unfortunately my body isn't as anxious as the baby though, because my cervix has only barely started to soften. Also, my fundus was still measuring a few weeks ahead of my actual pregnancy, so they want to do ANOTHER ultrasound next week to measure him again. Not that I mind, I love getting a chance to see my little monkey, I just hope they don't have any alarming news to give me, like, " You're delivering a toddler," or something like that. I'll be sure to let everyone know how it goes... wish me luck!

Controversial: Don't read if you can't handle other people's opinions.

I've noticed myself get upset on nearly a daily basis since I moved to Kansas. I don't know if it's from traveling a lot in my life, being in the Army, or if I was just born this way; but I can't stand racism, intolerance, and stereotypes. I very strongly believe in accepting others for who they are. Even when you don't necessarily agree with them or understand them. We are all God's children. We should be in the habit if practicing unconditional love, and not taking our love away when others aren't doing the things that please us.

I hear a lot of people from this area complain about the spanish population and use derogatory nicknames for them. I can't even begin to state my feelings about it. I honestly don't see how anyone can take such a terrible attitude towards a family who just wants to be able to work and provide for themselves. So what if you have to read a couple of labels in Spanish at the grocery store. Does that harm us in any way? I have a lot of respect for immigrants and for the sacrifices and decisions they have to make. It doesn't matter what your nationality is, or if your customs are different, just that you are a child of God, who loves all his children.

I know abortion is wrong, and I don't support it in any way. But at the same time, I am sick of people judging women for it. Maybe they are uneducated, maybe they feel like it's the only option, who knows? What I do know is that alienating women for their personal choices is no way to show them your love. Sometimes when people least deserve love is when they need it the most. And the same goes for people who are homosexual. Maybe I don't agree with it, but it's not my right to take away someone else's free will.

I realize a lot of people don't agree with me. Some people think it's their job to save the world from sin, some people were raised with intolerant ideals. Whatever the case may be, I just wish we could all learn to love each other.

Not my best day

I think there is something to be said when you have only been awake for two hours and you already can't wait for the day to be over. I'm normally very patient and understanding with Phil, and I don't typically get stressed out easily. I don't know what's making today so different, but I'm seriously not handling things well.

Could it possibly be that my body hurts... everywhere! It almost brings me to tears that I still have four more weeks in this much pain. At this point, I can't even concentrate on getting ready for the new baby because all I can think about is how to make my body feel better. The baby moves, kicks, and punches me all day long... my insides are so sore! That's really only the tip of the iceberg, though.

I know I just need to regroup and get organized, but doing it is a lot harder than it should be. Is it from carrying a bigger baby? I don't know. I'm just so exhausted.

Oh Baby! And lots of him...

Okay, today I had a prenatal appointment. It's been three weeks since my last one because they had to cancel last week, but that was my ultrasound appointment where they measured the baby. He was big then, and not much has changed. Today the doc said the baby is between six and a half, and seven pounds. Yikes! I still have like five or six weeks left for him to get fatter! But that's okay, it's possible for their measurements to be off slightly. I had to get an A1C blood prick to test my sugar. Apparently sometimes bigger babies mean bad blood sugar levels, but my results were perfectly normal. I'll be going back every week now so they can keep an eye on the baby and start checking my cervix. We're getting closer...

Where would you go?

Maybe it's the impending new arrival, or possibly my stress levels with Phillip, but lately all I can think of is going on a vacation. We've only ever taken two real vacations. When I was five months pregnant with Phillip, Mike and I flew to Washington for a couple of weeks. That was the first time I had ever met his family. Then we spent our first anniversary in Las Vegas. Both were more fun than I could imagine. Since then, we have moved all over the country for new jobs that don't offer vacation for a year.

I'd love to be able to go somewhere for Mike's and my anniversary this November. I know we won't be able to afford anything too extravagant, but something as simple as going to a football game and spending a few days in the city would really be nice. It's such a different experience being with your spouse away from kids and work. It makes me feel the kind of enthusiasm for life that we had before "settling down." I honestly didn't anticipate so much stress coming along with having a family. I guess I'm just naive that way. I always expect things to work out perfectly... they never do!

So I'm just curious... where would you go?

Time is running out!!!!

Only six more weeks!!!

I woke up today feeling especially refreshed. I got almost eleven hours of sleep, and woke up to sweet little kisses from my three year old; Phillip is always the one to come get me up in the morning. Then I started thinking... in only six short weeks I am going to be starting all over again. Am I really ready for the challenges of having a second child? Phillip was the hardest baby. He cried about 10-15 hours a day, never slept, and I ended up with sleep paralysis. Even now, at three years old, he can be more than a handful.

I also feel like for the first time since Phillip was born, I'm finally starting to have more quality time with Mike. We usually get between three and four hours to ourselves every night after Phillip goes to bed, and it is just so nice. I know I'm being selfish for not wanting to give that up when the new baby is born. I just love the time we have had recently and I wish there was some way I didn't have to make the sacrifice.

Then there are my ever-prevalent fears of not being a good mother once I have two children. If I can so easily see my short-comings now, just with Phil, how guilty am I going to feel later? I know I will have to give up some of my hobbies for a while. There are plenty of things I can do to be a better mother. Like not coddling the children all the time like they're going to disappear. I'm pretty bad about thinking Phillip needs me all the time. I definitely will have to get out of that habit.

All that aside, I really am excited to meet our new little boy. I do hope he will be an easier an happier child than Phil has been, but only time will tell. Heavenly Father knows me, and He knows what our family can/can't handle. I just hope His plan for me includes a healthy baby who smiles and sleeps.

About the baby

For those of you who are just dying to know, I had a prenatal appointment Wednesday. It was just for an ultrasound. They wanted to make sure the baby was getting into a head-down position, which he is. They also measured him and decided he's getting a little big. He's already between 5-51/2 pounds. The lady said we can expect him to gain at least another four pounds, so yeah, wish me luck. I had a tough time convincing the technician that I don't just sit around all day eating candy bars. I have no idea why the baby is getting so big since I have only gained about 24 pounds. We'll see what happens I guess.

An intelligent conversation?

I hope nobody takes this personally. Just my general feelings.

I have plenty of friends who are very smart and have college educations. So why is it that all anyone can ever talk about is babies and the cost of groceries? I'm very interested in the world around me. I read the news every day and stay as up to date with science and technology as I possibly can, but lately I don't know why I bother. The only other person who ever has any idea what I'm talking about is my husband. Example: I call my good friend, who used to be a science teacher before starting a family, and ask what she thinks about the latest Hubble mission. Her response, "Oh, are they still using that telescope?" Don't get me wrong Jenny, I love you to death, but it's a perfect example of how we let our own lives and interests go just because we have a family.

What ever happened to having a brain and thinking for ourselves? No wonder so many women are developing Alzheimer's these days. Perhaps if we used our brains more often they would stop giving out on us. I know it sounds like I'm being a little mean, but I just miss being able to talk to my friends. I love my family too. But I was a whole person, all by myself before I got married. I shouldn't have to give up who I am. I think my thoughts and opinions should influence my children just as much as their school books do. I don't only want my family to respect me because I take care of their needs. I want them to respect that I have passion for many different things in life.

What ever happened to passion anyway? Was there only so much to go around and we used it all up? Are we just too embarrassed to express ourselves? That's what I think. I think everyone is so worried about being judged that they just lose their passion for the things they love. In the end, who really cares if you said a couple of stupid things. At least you were out there, willing to express yourself and stand up for what you think and believe.

My hope and prayer today, for all my friends and family, is that we can find the passions inside ourselves and learn to be our own independent people.

Mixed Feelings

Not really sure what this has to say about my judgement, but...

This past week I asked one of my friends for a favor, not thinking it was a big deal. It wasn't until they told me they didn't feel comfortable doing it that I decided to give it a second thought. I was sort of confused for a minute because I hadn't really given it much thought, but then I realized exactly what was going on. Even though most people would think it was a small thing, it's the small things that Satan uses to lure us in. I'm really grateful that I have a friend who was able to recognize that and set me straight. If she's reading this, you know what I'm talking about, and thank you! I guess that makes me look bad, but I feel like I have learned a lot from this experience.

Discipline

Sometimes I really have to sit back and realize how lucky I am to have my husband. If it wasn't for him, Phillip would probably just be a spoiled little terror. I try to be as strict with him as I can be, but I'm just not that type of Mom. Things that would drive other parents crazy don't really bother me, so I guess I don't notice when Phillip is getting out of control. Mike, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He has very little patience and notices every tiny annoying thing. Sometimes I think Mike is being too strict with him, but I always eventually take his side. If it were up to me, I would just give Phillip cuddles and kisses all day long, and he would be an awful kid that doesn't listen. So yeah, thanks Mike!

Is this good news?

Mike got a call this morning from Yakima, WA. It was for the Emergency Dispatcher job he applied for a couple of weeks ago. They want him to come to Washington and take a written test to continue his application process. I'm not sure if he's going or not, but it's something to think about.

My Sunshine, Moonlight, and Starbright

This is my sunshine... he brightens my day and keeps me warm and happy.

This is my moonlight... bringing light from the darkest of nights.

And my starbright... the twinkle in my eye when I gaze toward the heavens.

I love my family so much. When I was a little younger I always thought I would be a career woman. I even started out that way for a while, but my true calling didn't take long. Heavenly Father wants me to be a wife and mother. I was complaining recently that my calling at church was very unfulfilling and I didn't understand why I wasn't good enough to do something more important. Now I know why I'm in such an insignificant calling there, so that I can focus my life towards becoming a more loving wife to my wonderful husband, and a more patient, understanding mother to my son. I really need to learn not to complain. You never know what good things are waiting for you.

Kinda weird...

So, in the last 11 days I have lost over 3 1/2 pounds. I originally thought it wasn't a big deal, but now I'm not so sure. The number just keeps going up, and fast. I'm pretty sure my diet hasn't changed that much. Hopefully it's just a fluke and everything will even out this week. I have decided I'm not going to get overly paranoid unless I reach the five pound mark. This pregnancy has been a lot different from the start, and I can't freak out over every little change, right? I'm probably just over thinking. I was in way better shape when I got pregnant with Phillip but I gained over fifty pounds. This time, I was in not-so-great shape, and I've only gained twenty. In reality, I do still have eleven weeks left and anything could happen. My goal for the remainder of my pregnancy is to gain half a pound a week. That would keep me at a reasonable weight that I should be able to get rid of by the baby's six-month mark. I guess that means my other goal is not to lose any more weight, ha ha. I think it's just hard when the weather is nice because you want to be outside so bad, and there's no food out there! Alright Jamie, breathe in the blue out the red... ahhhh much better.

It's been a while, but we still exist!

YES, I'm still alive!!!

In the past few days I have had a number of inquiries as to whether we dropped off the edge of the earth. I promise my family is still alive and well. I've been having a hard time sleeping lately, and since our family doesn't go to bed until four in the morning anyway, getting up early is just too hard. I honestly don't understand why everything is scheduled so early to begin with, but there must be a reason. So to answer all the questions: I'm not upset with anyone; I'm not sick; I'm not depressed or confused; I'm just tired.

All that said, we really have been doing pretty good. Once I finally feel awake for the day, around three o'clock, we try to socialize. This weather has been fantastic, so Phil has been spending a lot of time outside. It has been very rewarding to get in the sun. I feel so much more energized with the sun on my face. I like to sit back in my camping chair, close my eyes, and pretend I'm on the beach, Ahhhhhh! Perhaps I have been spending too much time in the sun since I lost half a pound this week. Really not the right time to lose weight when you are 28 1/2 weeks pregnant. But I'm not complaining.

This week I've really started to notice how hard exercise is becoming. I can still push my way through most of the activities, but it's getting really hard. Not necessarily tiring, just hard to work around my belly! The baby isn't at all amused when I bend over and he kicks me relentlessly until I stop. "Hey Mom, give me some room already!" It's kinda cute, but it makes focusing on my breathing technique a little fruitless during yoga. Isn't that half the point? Relaxation and meditation?

Some lady from the school district is coming to our house today to evaluate Phil and discuss his preschool options. I'm both excited and sad. Excited because he's making so much progress, and sad because I feel like he is just growing up so fast! I'm trying really hard to finish his one-year scrapbook before the new baby arrives, and it's like going back in time. His beautiful, innocent smile just melts my heart. He may have been a bit of a spaz for a while, but that smile... could anything be closer to heaven on earth?

My Little All-Star

Phillip discovered the photo booth on the computer, so now he wants to take pictures all the time. Phillip has recently taken up an interest in playing basketball. It's so cute watching him and Mike play together.

Sick and addicted to popcorn.

His first real sickness.

We have been very blessed with Phillip so far as sicknesses are concerned. This is only the fourth time he's ever been sick. The first three times were all infections though. This seems to be more of a cold. The down side to having such a healthy child is that you don't know what to do when they finally are sick. I'd like to just ride things out but I worry too much. I mean, he's obviously not too sick because he still wants to run around and play, but his cough sounds so horrible. I worry that his lungs are congested or something and the last thing I want is for him to get pneumonia. Is that over-thinking?

On a lighter note, I seem to have become addicted to popcorn and popsicles. I swear it is all I want to eat all day long. Obviously I make myself eat other things, too, but I don't really want them. I'm even eating a popsicle right now! Pregnancy makes you do silly things sometimes.

Wondering.....

Do you ever just feel a little useless?

That is sort of how I have been feeling lately. I know that I must have some kind of talent or experience to share, but I don't know what it is or how to do it. I know I should be enjoying the free time I have since we will have a new baby in a few months that takes up all of my time, but I just don't feel very needed right now. Not in the "real" sense of the word anyway. I know my family enjoys me taking care of their every whim, but I've gotten in the habit of not expecting them to do anything for themselves because I feel like I need to be doing something all the time. I hear so many people talk about how busy their lives are and how they don't have any free time. I honestly don't know how that's possible. I volunteer to help with any and everything , but my calendar is always half empty and frankly so is my heart. I really want to have a purpose in life.

Perhaps my pregnancy hormones are just at it again. I know I shouldn't be complaining. Most women would love to have as much time with their families as I do. I would probably feel better if the weather wasn't always so awful and unreliable. I really enjoy outdoor activities. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do when you have a two year old and the wind is blowing thirty miles an hour. Right now I'm sort of hoping nobody reads this entry. I don't want to sound like a pessimist. I just want... something.

A house full of boys!

First off, I'd just like to say sorry nobody has been able to comment on my blog. I'm not sure why it isn't working.

Now on to more important news... we are having another BOY!!!! I am just so excited about it. I was really nervous yesterday waiting to find out. It seemed like an eternity in the waiting room. I was going over a million things in my head, and kind of freaking out a little bit. I think little girls are adorable but I don't know the first thing about them. I'm scared to death of changing their diapers. I have no clue how to play with barbies or tea sets, or any of those cute little girl toys. I know boys! I understand them and all their intrigues. It's just not as scary to me. I'm not saying I wouldn't have been happy to have a little girl and someday we probably will. But I'm just really happy that this little bundle of joy is a boy!

Also of note, I'm sure you guys have noticed I never put any pictures up on here. Sorry, it's just a journal for me. You can find tons of pictures, video, and commentary on our family website, web.mac.com/mikevandyke1

How wrong is this?

I know it's misleading, but...

Okay, I had a prenatal visit yesterday and I really didn't feel like being lectured about losing two pounds. So I spent the entire day stuffing my face with everything imaginable to get myself back up to last weeks weight. I barely made it, too. I feel bad about being sneaky and sort of a liar, but I'm just sick of being lectured. It would be different if I only went once a month, but I have to hear this every single week! 

I never weighed myself before I got pregnant and was perfectly happy that way. Now I find myself having to check every other day to make sure I'm not losing any more. It gets so frustrating!!!! I seriously need someone to tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong. Here's a list of what I typically eat every day, keeping in mind that I can't have any salt or processed foods, and only three ounces of meat a day.

2-3 bananas

1 large bowl grapes

1-2 grapefruits

1 apple

2-3 oranges

1 bowl fresh veggies (carrots, broccoli, tomatoes...)

1 cup unsalted peanuts and raisins

about 3 ounces of meat with a baked potato

That's a whole heck of a lot of food to me! I'm practically eating all day long and it's not cheap either. I want to make sure I have a healthy baby, and I'm really worried that it's not getting everything it needs because I keep losing weight. If anyone has a suggestion, I'm all ears.

Confused...

From pig to twig?

I'm really confused about this week. I went to the YMCA this morning to weigh myself thinking I had surely gained a little bit of weight, but no. I have been eating twice as much as the past couple of weeks, and doing the same amount of exercise but somehow I have lost two pounds. So now I have to prepare myself for another lecture from my doctor tomorrow. Last time she was scolding me for only gaining three pounds and now I've lost two!!! I need some serious help figuring out what to eat to help me. 

My smart boy!!!

I can't believe how much he is learning!!!

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch watching television and Phillip kept trying to get my attention. I kept trying to get him to go play with his Dad. Then he just started screaming the alphabet at me. I was really surprised! He has known his letters for a while he has never said the whole thing by himself before. Then this morning we were drawing words on his little magnetic doodle pad. He likes to say the letters as I'm writing and then I tell him what it says. Well today he caught me off guard big time. I wrote C-A-T and he yells out "CAT!!!" Then he did the same thing with "ball," and "car." I'm just amazed at this recent learning spurt.

So Thankful!

Thinking about life...

I'm just sitting here contemplating today. I do that a lot because I'm a big softy, but no crying today. I just feel very thankful. My husband is so wonderful to me. For the past nine months, it would be an understatement to say I have been stressing out with Phillip. Just recently I decided I needed more help. So I went to my husband, who I normally don't ask to do much, and told him I needed some serious help with Phillip. Mike immediately started taking over more and more of my responsibilities with him. Since then Phillip is going to bed without any kind of fight and behaving so much better. I'm really glad I have a husband so willing to help me. Someone's getting a special Valentine's Day!!!

When I was first put on this new diet, I was devastated. I love healthy food, but I also love plenty of other things, like chocolate. But for the past week I have felt better and had more energy than I have in a long time. I know it's because I am eating so healthy. Yesterday I was even able to get out and play tennis with Mike. I actually did really good, too. So I'm very thankful for the awesome doctors taking care of me. They are truly amazing!

I'm very thankful for the friends I have. I may not have very many of them, but the few I do have are so great! They always lend an ear when I need it and never judge me. Thank you so much!

Finally, a good appointment!

I had to have one eventually!

I had another prenatal visit yesterday afternoon. I've been going one to two times a week, and usually not with pleasant results. I'm so happy to say that yesterday was much better. I still had to wait forever, and I was the last person to leave the parking lot, but everything else went well.

I've gotten used to waiting. Mike got me a new book for Christmas, so I've been reading it while I wait to see the doctor. I'm really enjoying the book, too! I don't know if any of my friends have ever heard of Emily Giffin, but she is my favorite author. I like to read mushy girly books. Anyway, yesterday I got to read for a good hour before seeing the doc.

Since about a week and a half ago I have been watching every little thing I eat. I'd be surprised if I've eaten any salt at all, ha ha. So, it was rewarding to see that my blood pressure was completely in the normal range. It was 119/72. My doctor was really impressed, too. She couldn't believe how quickly I was able to get it down. I still have to come back next week and the week after that. They still want to keep a close eye on me and make sure everything stays normal.

My blood test results for my kidneys came back normal, too. I was incredibly relieved to hear that! I have been worrying myself to death about it. 

The only thing the doctor had to say that was negative was concerning my weight. I've still only gained between two and three pounds. I honestly don't know what they expect from me though. With the diet I am on, I would have to eat all day long to gain any weight. I still have a life! I'm just not going to stress out about it. It's not like I was skinny when I got pregnant, so if I only gain fifteen pounds or so, I don't think it will be a big deal. 

Tears of Progress

Some things will always make you cry.

The past year of Phil's life has been very difficult for us. We noticed around eighteen months that he wasn't developing mentally as quickly as other children. He had an unusually unhappy disposition and no desire to interact with us most of the time. I always blamed myself. But as it turns out Phillip is just different. He won't say words he doesn't understand, and he doesn't do activities unless he's confident he can succeed. Physically, Phil far exceeds a majority of children his age. His balance and coordination are incredible! 

In October we contacted the Russell Child Development Center. They have been so great at helping us find activities and ways to interact with him to build his confidence. I didn't realize how much progress he had made until just this past week. I see him talking and playing with his Dad, and it just brings tears to my eyes. His communication skills have improved a hundred fold. I've also noticed how much happier he seems. I was convinced Phillip didn't like us. I thought I was just a terrible mother because he was always so mad, but now I understand that he just needed more time.  

I'm so proud of my son, for everything we've put him through, and for his desire to do better.

Pregnancy Stuff

I like to think sometimes that I am invincible. I get it into my head that I am too busy for being sick or having problems of any kind, and every once in a while that comes back to bite me in the bum! This pregnancy, in and of itself, is a true blessing in my life. I am so happy to be adding a new member to our family! But pregnancy isn't just nine months of harvesting a baby. I tend to forget how fragile our bodies are, and what a strain it can be. After being told by my doctor that if I don't do exactly what they say, I'll end up on bed rest for the last half of my pregnancy, the fragility of the situation has realistically set in. 

I have been put on a lot of restrictions, but to be honest, they are all things I should probably be doing anyway. My diet is very restricted. I can have fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, and lean cuts of meat as long as they aren't seasoned with any kind of salt. I can only drink water, and at least three 36 oz. bottles of it a day. That filtered pitcher Mike got me for Christmas is suddenly seeming like an ever better gift, ha ha. I am supposed to get at least thirty minutes of mild cardio exercise every day, no exceptions. I'm actually very grateful for that ultimatum since now I can feel guilt-free for leaving Mike to put Phillip to bed every night.

Thank God for tiny blessings!

I've also been instructed to buy my own blood pressure monitor and keep a daily record of my BP during morning, noon, and evening. I bet I can predict when it's highest! So we are ordering one and it will be here this week. Until then, I'm going to Wal-Mart to check it, so I'm only going once a day. The highest we have gotten to is 151/85, but that only lasted about an hour and then it went back down. 

In general I feel fine. The symptoms I have aren't bad enough to alter my daily activities by any means. Every once in a while I get a little dizzy or light-headed due to a low blood count, but it goes away when I sit down and have a snack so it's not really a big deal. Everyone has been really kind to help me out with my appointments. If Karen reads this, "You are the best for watching Phillip, thank you so much." And thank you to every one else for their help and support. I've been pretty whiny the last couple of weeks and I promise I'll stop. I don't want to chase any of my friends away! 

Our Story

The story of how we came to be a family.

Despite the fact that seeing my husband today triggers a feeling of love and warmth, I can hardly call our first meeting "love at first sight." It was an unusually hot spring day, and I was on my way to do laundry at the barracks laundry room. Due to an extreme sunburn I had suffered two weeks prior, I was wearing a very light and comfortable sun dress. Usually I would do my laundry in whatever Army workout clothes I had left over, but perhaps that day may never had come if I had looked like a sunburn in uniform. So I was just strolling across the lawn with my basket when I heard a rather handsome voice say, "What are you doing all dressed up?" When I turned around, there he was. The man who would one day become the love of my life. I answered, "Nothing," and continued on my way. To my surprise the handsome fella followed me into the laundry room. We started talking, a.k.a. flirting, and decided to watch a movie together later.

 For the next few months we just hung out like normal friends. It always seemed like more but we had never said anything to each other about it. Then one day when Mike came over to my barracks room he told me he didn't want me to see any other guys. I was so happy. I never thought he was that into me. We were very different people at that time, and I thought I was too much of a goody two shoe for him. That proved to be one of the many times I was wrong about him. We continued dating for another few months, and it soon became time for us to take our first road trip together. A baseball game in Atlanta seemed the perfect getaway.

I was really nervous about the whole trip. We had never spent that long of a time together and I desperately wanted to impress him by how mature and fun I was. That persona was immediately thrashed when thirty minutes into our trip we realized I had forgotten the tickets at home. Way to go Jamie. Little did I know then how treasured of a memory my silly mishap would become.

 Our arrival in Atlanta was followed by another "Jamie blunder." We had decided to stop at the mall so Mike could look for some swim trunks. We didn't find anything so we headed back to the car. I sat down and decided to take a drink of my soda. Big mistake, as soon as I opened it, the soda exploded all over me. So, of course I got to arrive at our luxury hotel covered in soda. I tried to cover it up as best I could, but I'm sure everyone got see my incredibly handsome boyfriend with his less than admirable, sticky gal. At least the rest of the trip was great.

The baseball game itself was somewhat disappointing. We really wanted the braves to lose! After the game was over we walked back to the car and decided it was best to wait a while for traffic to clear up. We were standing beside the car, "snuggle-hugging" in the cold when I heard something I never thought would come from Mike's mouth. Especially after being such a clumsy, forgetful dodo. He said, "I don't know if I'm ever going to get married, but if I do it will be to you." For some that may not seem very romantic, but for my manly man it was. I think that is the very moment I truly fell in love with him. 

We dated for about another year before getting married. Most women dream of a big fancy wedding with just the right dress, and hundreds of eyes gazing upon them. I guess I'm a little different. Who needs all that attention? I think marriage is a special moment that should be shared sacredly with your loved one. Luckily Mike and I were on the same page. We woke up one day, bought our rings, and just headed to the justice of the peace. I remember that it was raining outside. I've always heard that if it rains on a special day then it will bring good fortune.

So far, that's been true.

Not much later came our wonderful son. If anything will test a marriage, it's the arrival of your first baby followed by three cross-country moves in two years. But still, here we are. I still believe that Mike is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I can't imagine life without him. Sometimes I feel like I didn't do anything to deserve the wonderful life I have, and it just gets better all the time. I thank my Heavenly Father for all the blessings in my life and for the new blessing coming this summer. 

 

Prenatal Visit

If you're interested in my pity party read on.

Well, I had a prenatal visit yesterday afternoon. I never expect to have a particularly good time there, but I wasn't prepared for what happened. After the inevitable thirty minutes past my appointment time, I get called back to take my vitals. Temperature: normal, Weight: normal, Blood Pressure: High normal. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. My blood pressure was high last time, and it has been for the past three or four weeks. 139/80-ish may be a little high, but it's still in the normal range. Apparently this was cause for me to spend an hour waiting isolated in a room so they could retake it. And guess what? Nothing changed, thanks for wasting my time! 

Next comes time to check the baby's heartbeat. Finally something relaxing, right? Think again. It took the nurse ten minutes to find my baby's heartbeat! Do they really think that is supposed to help with my blood pressure? She finally finds it and it was about 156. Three weeks ago it was 175, so it's nice to see that it finally came down a little bit.

After all the poking around in my personal life, it was time for a lecture. "Don't eat any processed food, no salt, no soda or tea, bla bla bla. All fresh fruits and vegetables for you. Oh, and come in Friday morning so we can check your kidney function." What? Seriously? Why do they need to do this? So basically they want to lower my blood pressure by not letting me eat any of the foods I love and worrying me to death about my kidneys! 

So I left the doctor's office almost in tears because I can't believe how horrible it was. At least they scheduled my ultrasound for three weeks from now. We hope to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. I'm really excited and I desperately hope this next appointment goes much better.

My First Post

Okay, so I have myspace, facebook, and my own website; Why not a blog as well? I guess I decided to start this blog so that I can have something personal. Sometimes I feel like everything in my life is about someone else. I'm sure other mothers can relate. We never get to just focus on ourselves. So this is my chance. 

I've been a little pessimistic lately. It's not something I'm proud of since I'm normally a very outgoing happy person. But I just can't help but feel out of place here. I really don't think I fit in well in Garden City. I haven't made very many friends, and the few I have are so busy it probably doesn't count. I miss Washington a lot. I had a ton of friends there and always had someone to talk to or hang out with. It's just a little disheartening I guess. 

The plus side of not having any friends or things to do is that it has been good for our budget! I don't think we've ever been this disciplined before. That should be really good in the long run when we move again. I'm just hoping the long run actually turns out to be the short run. I want to move before our new baby is born. Mike's been waiting on a DoD job for a while and we hope we are getting close. 

Am I just a hormonal pregnant woman ranting about things that won't matter tomorrow? Probably, but I need to get it all out. Phillip has been stressing me out a lot as well. I love him to death but I don't even think it's possible for him to be any more difficult. Some nights I just go to bed in tears because I feel like such a failure to him. I sit back wondering where I have gone wrong and what I can do to make it all change. Mike is always telling me it's not my fault and that he is just a difficult child, but it doesn't make me feel any better. All the other children I know that are his age have been past this stage for a long time. But we are still here... just waiting for Heavenly Father to grant us a break. 

And on top of it all I have my husband, the sunshine on my darkest days. He is so wonderful to me and I wish I could make our lives easier for him. I wish I could show him the wife and mother that I want so hard to be. I try every day but in the end I just never make it. How do I make things better? How am I supposed to show my family how much I love them when I can't ever seem to get it all together? Is there someone out there who has all the answers?