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I haven't had very good luck the past couple of days. Something snagged my favorite shirt in the washing machine and left about ten different holes all over it, and today I spilled cherry crystal light all over my favorite white shirt. I'm wondering if this is some sort of sign that I need to stop caring so much about my clothes.
I sure do feel refreshed today. I got lots of sleep last night. The kiddos are being good, a.k.a eating popcorn and watching Thomas and Friends. It feels like it's going to be a good day! So I think I'm going to take this little smidge of free time to set a few goals for myself.
Goal 1: Get the storage room completely cleaned and organized by Thanksgiving. It's a pretty tall order, but I really need to get it done.
Goal 2: Lose weight without pushing myself too hard. I have a tendency to get upset with myself when my weight loss isn't progressing, so I need to learn to just do my best and not worry so much.
Goal 3: Be a better housekeeper.
Goal 4: Make sure I always have special time at the end of every day to do something fun with Mike.
These may seem like silly goals, but I think they will make a huge difference for me. I will feel a lot better knowing I am working towards something important. I haven't decided if I'm going to reward myself with anything once I reach my goals. Maybe I can get a new dress or something after a few months.
For some weird reason I've been letting myself get overwhelmed lately. It's not normally like me to take on more than I can handle. I even keep a "Simplify" sign in my dining room to remind me to keep things in life simple and easy. But lately I've just wanted to do a lot. I don't know who I've been trying to impress. I thought digging deeper into the craft world would open up more friendship opportunities, but so far it hasn't. It's really just been me spending a lot of time on crafts that few others care much about. So I'm thinking I'm going to cut my crafts in half to have more time just for me and the kiddos.
I started selling crayon rolls a while back. I just wanted to make a few extra bucks since I was starting a craft blog. I figured it would give me some of my own money to buy supplies and not have to spend all of Mike's money on my silly experiments. I didn't at all realize how popular the idea would become and I quickly got rushed with tons of orders. I made plenty of money but it was stressful trying to get everything done in time. So from now on I'm not taking any custom orders, just selling whatever I have on hand. Much more simple!
I need to get my mind straight and just spend more time with my boys. Phil hasn't been doing nearly enough math. I need to focus more on his home pre-schooling and less on making sure every cabinet in the kitchen is perfectly organized. Sometimes I let my OCD habits gets the better of me. No Jamie, you do not need to vacuum under the couches every day.
Danny is such a sweet and easy boy that I sometimes forget I need to be spending special time with him, too. He deserves a lot more attention than he has been getting. I make plenty of excuses but at the end of the day, I just need to simplify my life and get back to the basics of being a strong loving family.
I've probably been rambling on today about a lot of nonsense. Don't worry, that's just my brain switching back to simple mode.
The other day Phil came running up to me in his Daddy's glasses. He kept saying how he could see everything clear. Being the overly paranoid Mommy I am, I immediately called Mike at work and told him to set up an appointment with the eye doctor. When Mike got home that night, we found an online "check you vision" chart from the DMV and tested Phil. No matter what we tried, Phil couldn't read the bottom line of the letters. He got so upset about it at one point that he just broke down in tears. It was heartbreaking. So, we set up an appointment with an eye doctor a couple of days ago and it turns out that Phil is a little farsighted. We ordered him some glasses and they will be here in two weeks. Mike said he did really good at his appointment.
As I was sitting in my living room today, I started thinking about love. I know that I love my family. I know that I love the Lord. I say that I love chocolate. But what is it really, and what does it mean to love unconditionally?
I've been known to say in the past that we should all love each other unconditionally and not judge. But after this week I can't help but wonder if by judging others, are we starting the process of learning to love them? It know that sounds crazy, and like the complete opposite of love. But in retrospect, some of the most important lessons I have learned have come from the mistakes and bad judgements I have made. As a teenager I always judged my parents for their mistakes. Now I can't help but look back fondly on the trials we went through as a family and the lessons they taught me, whether inadvertently or not. For example, my mother has always been terrible with finances. She is a shopaholic and will pay for anything with a check whether she has money or not. This caused a lot of problems in her marriage to my stepdad. At that time, I hated her for being so selfish and putting our family in such a terrible position. Now I can see that her spending is linked to emotional and mental distress, and perhaps I am grateful she chose that option over something else. She could have chosen to be an alcoholic or to beat her children. But instead she chose shopping. I'm very grateful for what she taught me, even though she doesn't know it. Through that experience I have learned a couple of things; 1.) To be honest with my husband and share our financial goals together. No secret spending, and 2.) There are ways to channel your distress. I judged her and now I love her for those same judgements. Connection?
I'm not perfect, that's for sure. There have been times when I didn't love my family unconditionally. I feel terrible for that, but it's necessary to be honest with yourself in order to move forward. When Phillip was a baby, I wasn't always fond of him. He cried all the time. He slept only a couple of hours a day. I was suffering from sleep paralysis due to this. In addition to Phil, Mike was working very odd hours. So it just happened that the few hours I could manage to get Phillip to sleep were also Mike's hours at home awake. I felt obligated to stay up and spend time with Mike even though this might be my only opportunity to sleep. It didn't take long for me to start resenting both of them for it. I was never mean to them. I never yelled or swore or did anything physically. But inside, all of my loving feelings toward my family were temporarily gone. When I looked at my baby I didn't want to smile or cuddle him. I just wanted him to disappear for a few hours so I could sleep. I lost 54 pounds in five months, was severely depressed. Then miraculously at ten months old, Phil started sleeping. I remember waking up at about seven in the morning and bolting to his room afraid that he was dead. But there he lay, asleep in his crib. My guilt started setting in for how I had been feeling. All the love I had secretly been neglecting my family of rushed back to me. I learned that I could very easily have communicated with my husband my needs, and made most of my problems go away. After talking to him, I realized that I had been judging him harshly. He wasn't the reason I wasn't sleeping, I was. I started communicating my needs with him and our marriage has grown rapidly and positively ever since. I no longer hide my feelings and take on every obligation by myself. Being a mother hasn't gotten a lot easier, but loving my family unconditionally has.
I hope I haven't rambled too much today. Just wanted to share some things I was feeling.
I've decided to start making Phil have quiet time in his room during Danny's first nap. I feel like I'm being a little selfish, but Phil hasn't napped since he was 18 months old and I really need a break. Normally we do a craft together or some preschool during this time. I guess I will just squeeze that time in somewhere else. What am I going to do with this newly found free time you ask? Absolutely nothing. I'm going to relax, read my news stories on the computer, maybe even shower. Who knows?! My home is my playground!
I posted a couple of entries yesterday about a silly trial I was going through. I feel a million times better today. I'm not a writer so my posts don't always reflect exactly how I feel. I want to change that. I want my readers to know exactly how I'm feeling and not have to guess what I mean. Today I feel inspired, supported, loved, and accepted. The future is bright and full of opportunity. Some great friendship possibilities have come to pass from yesterday's glum. A blessing in disguise really.
Isn't it amazing how someone can be right in front of you, and it takes a miracle to notice them? It shouldn't surprise me because I have had this sort of thing happen before. Sometimes it's the people you least suspect that change your life in the biggest ways. Sometimes it's people you don't even know who change your life.
When I was in Mexico, I was helping carry food, clothing and other supplies to a nearby community. I was only thirteen at the time and a young women's group from Mesa, AR was staying with us for a project. I had never really looked forward to this sort of thing in the past. I had yet to learn how to truly love people just because they are God's children. I always just waited in the van before. I felt sorry for them, which is why I helped but I didn't care about them. I didn't think about them after we left or wonder where their food would be coming from the rest of the month. But this time, one of the girls from Mesa asked me to come and help her. I got out and walked around the van and there she was playing soccer with one of the children She said they needed a goalie. I didn't really want to, but I did it anyway and my life has never been the same since. Something changed in me that day. I saw children who have nothing more than a ragged shirt on their backs as the happiest little kids in the world. I saw parents struggling to provide a shelter for them. They built their "homes" out of whatever materials could be found while walking around the streets. Sometimes it was plastic wrap and cinderblocks. Sometimes cardboard. The lucky families had leftover building materials from abandoned construction along the beach. But I didn't pity them anymore. I respected them. These families had nothing, yet everything. They were happy, kind, and loving. Every time I came back after that, I always made a point to play with the children. To care for whatever needs they had. It was no longer an obligation. I wanted to be there even more than I wanted to be with my friends or family. Leaving Mexico permanently and heading back to Alabama was painful. I miss it to this day. I miss the place who made me the person I am today. I miss the people, the culture, the food. I miss it all.
There are times in our lives when we are forced to reflect back upon our pasts. Some of us have very good ones, some of us have very bad ones. Some people have led somewhat boring lives while others have led very interesting and unique lives. I was accused today of being inconsistent in my stories and pretty much called a liar by people who don't know anything about me and the life I have led. I was very hurt and disappointed at first. I couldn't imagine why anyone would ever possibly think that about me. My bitterness is now gone. I think I realize that my past is just too amazing for some people to believe. I have accomplished so much in my short time on this earth. I've lost friends and family members and learned to grieve quickly. I've served in the military and won many different awards for being a great soldier. I've spent time as an air traffic controller and although ultimately decided it wasn't the career for me, it was still an amazing accomplishment. I've traveled all over and learned to embrace diversity. Although I have lost one baby, I've managed to mother two wonderful sons, who while they both have had their own issues, are amazing and everything to me. I've been one of the lucky few who married their best friend and get to enjoy every second of our marriage together. I've spent a good deal of time in Mexico and learned great lessons on understanding and unconditional love. I've seen poverty and cried for the children who have nothing. My life is amazing. I don't regret a second of it, and I guess I can't really blame people for not believing me. I'm not the kind of person who judges other people. I love everyone I meet and have a huge desire for people to like me. Heck, I even want the Taliban to like me. But that isn't the road life takes us on. Heavenly Father sends us trials sometimes that can shred the very faith that holds our lives together. But perseverance, unconditional love, understanding, and forgiveness is the only way to ever make it through.
A couple of days ago I sent out an email to some of my friends asking if they would like to do a babysitting swap this week so Mike and I could go to dinner. Today, one of the ladies emailed me back, basically saying she thought I was a bad person, a liar, and she didn't trust me. I was very shocked and offended, especially because she has only ever met me about 5 times, maybe. And that was only during scrap booking meetings. I really don't know how I am supposed to feel or react. I've always known that people from this part of the country tend to be more judgmental, but I had never experienced it before today. I'm going to assume that the Lord wants me to learn something from this situation. I don't know what it is yet, maybe forgiveness and understanding. I'm definitely not feeling that way right now, I have a long way to go before I can reach forgiveness for sure!
We all go through trials I guess. I know so many people who have much harder challenges in their lives. They have found a way to live happily and accept their trials so I can do that, too. Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of encouragement and inspiration. You all mean so much to me and I am very grateful.
I'm just a little tired of being overweight. I need my friends and family to join me in my effort to lose these extra pounds for good. I added a ticker so everyone can see my weight loss. I seriously need some motivation! Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
