Unconditional Love?

As I was sitting in my living room today, I started thinking about love. I know that I love my family. I know that I love the Lord. I say that I love chocolate. But what is it really, and what does it mean to love unconditionally?

 I've been known to say in the past that we should all love each other unconditionally and not judge. But after this week I can't help but wonder if by judging others, are we starting the process of learning to love them? It know that sounds crazy, and like the complete opposite of love. But in retrospect, some of the most important lessons I have learned have come from the mistakes and bad judgements I have made. As a teenager I always judged my parents for their mistakes. Now I can't help but look back fondly on the trials we went through as a family and the lessons they taught me, whether inadvertently or not. For example, my mother has always been terrible with finances. She is a shopaholic and will pay for anything with a check whether she has money or not. This caused a lot of problems in her marriage to my stepdad. At that time, I hated her for being so selfish and putting our family in such a terrible position. Now I can see that her spending is linked to emotional and mental distress, and perhaps I am grateful she chose that option over something else. She could have chosen to be an alcoholic or to beat her children. But instead she chose shopping. I'm very grateful for what she taught me, even though she doesn't know it. Through that experience I have learned a couple of things; 1.) To be honest with my husband and share our financial goals together. No secret spending, and 2.) There are ways to channel your distress. I judged her and now I love her for those same judgements. Connection?

I'm not perfect, that's for sure. There have been times when I didn't love my family unconditionally. I feel terrible for that, but it's necessary to be honest with yourself in order to move forward. When Phillip was a baby, I wasn't always fond of him. He cried all the time. He slept only a couple of hours a day. I was suffering from sleep paralysis due to this. In addition to Phil, Mike was working very odd hours. So it just happened that the few hours I could manage to get Phillip to sleep were also Mike's hours at home awake. I felt obligated to stay up and spend time with Mike even though this might be my only opportunity to sleep. It didn't take long for me to start resenting both of them for it. I was never mean to them. I never yelled or swore or did anything physically. But inside, all of my loving feelings toward my family were temporarily gone. When I looked at my baby I didn't want to smile or cuddle him. I just wanted him to disappear for a few hours so I could sleep. I lost 54 pounds in five months, was severely depressed. Then miraculously at ten months old, Phil started sleeping. I remember waking up at about seven in the morning and bolting to his room afraid that he was dead. But there he lay, asleep in his crib. My guilt started setting in for how I had been feeling. All the love I had secretly been neglecting my family of rushed back to me. I learned that I could very easily have communicated with my husband my needs, and made most of my problems go away. After talking to him, I realized that I had been judging him harshly. He wasn't the reason I wasn't sleeping, I was. I started communicating my needs with him and our marriage has grown rapidly and positively ever since. I no longer hide my feelings and take on every obligation by myself. Being a mother hasn't gotten a lot easier, but loving my family unconditionally has.

I hope I haven't rambled too much today. Just wanted to share some things I was feeling.